Beer

Earlier today, I went to get a beer. It was the earliest I have every drank a beer. 11:30am. I'm serious. I'm not drunk though. I've got quite the tolerance. In fact, I drank five beers in twenty minutes and I didn't even feel it. Well, I did feel it, in my stomach, but it didn't make me drunk or tipsy at all. Now you know just how much tolerance I have.

I picked up a tip on beer drinking... this is my good friend:



It's the best way to drink when you've got small cups. Then you never have to refill for a very long time.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get a little more beer.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

P.S. Frank's Friend Money Tracker Total:

$17.54

iPod Micro?!?!

When I saw the iPod Nano come out... I was like "Wowzers! I need that nano!" Think about it.. I can slip it in my pocket and no one would even know. Sure someone might say "Frank, is that an iPod nano in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" and then I would punch them... because that would be a very mean thing to say, considering the nano is the smallest iPod ever.

However, as I was about to go out an purchase a nano, I saw something else and I was like. nu-uh...Nanos suck... I need me a iPod Micro. If you haven't seen the iPodmicro... you need to... so here it is...



It truly is an accomplishment in modern science. Anyway, so I'm eagerly awaiting getting my iPod micro. I can't wait... 1000 songs? That's like one song per 1/100th of a millimeter.

Wow.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

P.s. Frank's Friend Money Total Tracker:

$15.54

Sneeze Guards

My previous product was not selling very well, so I've got with something new.

Some of you know about my fascination with the American Roofing System. Very cool stuff. I spent quite some time in Buffalo, NY in the past year photographing the roofs there. They're very steep, because of the snow. Anyway, it was awesome. They also have really cools roofs in Santa Fe, if you ever make it out there... let me know.

Anyway, my second hobby (not many of you know this) is sneezeguards. Sure, you think, ya, sneezeguards there's just one type. Au contraire. There are many many types of sneezeguards. So, I got rid of my previous advertising partners (selling those stupid animated faces) and found something I think people really care about. Sneeze guard. One of my favorite models is S295. It's elegant, sleek, yet completely see through. It's awesome.

I mean, for real... I guess sneezeguards are pretty similar to the american roofing system... they are slanted, and they protect stuff inside.. However, roofs are used to keep rain out and sneezeguards are used to keep snot out.

In the end... they are awesome.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

P.S. Frank's Friend Money Total Tracker:'

$9.75

Urgent Weather Alert

I have an urgent weather alert to pass on to all readers. Typhoon LONGWANG is threatening parts of Asia. If you are in the path of LONGWANG, get out of it. You can not withstand LONGWANG. LONGWANG is too big and strong for you.

Seriously.... This is not a joke... I would not joke about a typhoon named LONGWANG.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

A Great Thing Happened Today

A great, awesome, and wonderful thing happened today on my way to work.

As you might know, President Bush of the United States of America told everyone to conserve energy yesterday in a press conference. Well, even though I'm currently living in Alberta, I thought... "eh, I've got to sneeze." Then, after I sneezed, I thought, "Now my nose is running like hell." So, I blew my nose and then thought "What was I thinking about?" Then I remembered and thought, "I know I don't live in the USA, but I'll conserve energy too."

So, in response to President Bush, I turned the light switch off on my way out the door. I usually leave it on for my dog, Snuffulufugus. I then jumped into my Hummer and proceeded to goto work.

What great thing happened you ask? Well, I found a Canadian quarter (equal to roughly an American nickel) on the seat of my hummer when I crawled inside it. Sweet.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

P.S. Frank's Friend Money Total Tracker:

$8.96

I Miss My Willy

Wow. It seems like forever since I've seen Willy. In fact, it has been. I have long since heard rumors of Willy's trip, but ever since then I can't seem to find Willy. I've looked long and hard, but no Willy is to be found.

It's quite sad actually. Willy and I were great friends and now Willy isn't anywhere.

Willy.... Where are you?

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

P.S. Frank's Friend Money Tracker Total:

$8.58

Oops...

So my forecast for a lot of rain and feets of snow didn't actually come true. It was 75 degrees and sunny. Oh wel... that happens... you know? I said the following on the air to make up for my mistake:

Well folks... you couldn't have asked for a nicer day. Now earlier I got a message from a Mrs. Smith in Alberta. And well, she said some not very nice things to me, because I got the forecast wrong. Well, you know what Mrs. Smith... You can go slam your pinkie finger into a large steel door and then pull out all your upper lip hair with rusty tweezers.

That seemed to clear everything up thank goodness. Anyway, I hope Mrs. Smith was watching, because if she wasn't I don't want to have to go over there and tell those things to her face. Or worse... I don't want to have to go over there and do those two things to her. These Albertans are just crazy.

I just want all of you to know one thing... I love hotdogs and flashlights. That's all.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

P.S. Frank's Friend Money Tracker Total:

$8.41
Congratulation
and Thank You.

Rain

So, it's going to rain a lot here over the next few days. Higher elevations here in Alberta will see a lot of snow. And when I say a lot, I mean like 15 - 23 ... FEET! I know. That's a lot.

Anyway, what's your opinions on smileys? I think they are very stupid [:-|], but I can't help from using them [:-)]. Does anyone else have this problem? I've got this obsession with this one smiley with a crooked mouth[:-/]. However, I can not stand them at all. I see someone using a smiley [:-)]... a graphical one or a plain old text one and I just want to yell [:-O]. And then I see people kissing with smileys [;-*] winking with smileys [;-)] and even showing off their boobs [ (_|_) ] (also could be their butt) and I just get mad. ;-|

Anyway, I just thought I'd share. I think everyone who reads my journal is freaking awesome.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

P.S. Money Tracker for Frank's Friend:

$4.75
Congratulations!
and Thank You.

Wow!

Yesterday, it reached like 100 degrees here in Alberta! Today? -100. It's crazy how quickly the weather here changes. But you know what I am tired of that saying.

Today someone said to me, "Well, you know what they say... If you don't like the weather in Alberta just wait 5 minutes and it'll be different." I said to them, "No one says that."

Seriously, no one does. Everyone always says, "You know what they say..." and then say the stupid line. So there isn't actually anyone saying it... everyone is saying 'what others say'. It's like a vicious loop with no beginning.

In all honesty, I wish people would just stop saying that completely. I'm personally really freaking tired of it. It's not so much that it's not true... it's that it's true everywhere or at least everyone says that everyone says it is that way. Seriously, I have lived and visited a lot of places and everywhere I go, whether it is Alberta, Australia, Iowa, Florida, New York, Shanghai, Bangkok (ouch), Pasadena, Mexico City, Saskatchawan (or however you spell it), San Antonio, Jerusalem, St. Petersburg, Estonia, Jakarta, etc etc. They all say that about their place of residence and I'm freaking tired of it. It's true everywhere, so please stop acting like your the hippest cause your weather might change every five minutes.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

P.S. A new feature of The Life. Every post, you'll get to know how much money you raised for my friend by clicking on the ads. Since we've started keeping track, you've raised:

$0.58
Thanks and congratulations!

Sponsored

I'm trying something new. Perahps this won't work, but we'll see. I have a friend who is a meteorologist in a small city and he doesn't make the billions of dollars I do here in Canada. (However, a billion in Canada, is like a million in the states... or something like that.) So, I was like, ya... I can help him out. I can sponsor Frank U. McBoob: The Life. Then I will give all the proceeds to him.

I called him and told him the news.

"Hey Friend.." I said.
"Hey Frank." He said.
"I thought of a f'ing brilliant idea."
"What??!?! What!"
"It's called Sponsored Frank."
"What does that mean? Is it one of your crazy ideas where you buy a package of hot dogs and write ads on them with a sharpie and try to sell them on the street corner?"
"No.... but you have to admit... that was a good idea."
"No... it wasn't."
"No Sponsored Frank has nothing to do with hot dogs."
"Oh... Are you going to sell your forehead to that internet casino to get a tatoo on it?"
"No. It has nothing to do with my forehead."
"Your butt?"
"Err... No."
"Chest?"
"No. Wait wait wait..."
"What?"
"Sponsored Frank. I will sponsor my blog and then give you all the money it makes."
"Really? You'd do that for me?"
"HELL YA!"
"Yippee" he said.

And there you have it. So, I plead with you to click on all the links when you come to The Life... because my friend needs the money. He doesn't even have cable he's so poor...

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Cleaing

Sometimes I clean so much, that I strip the paint off all of my walls from all of my hard scrubbing. It really makes me mad when that happens, because then I have to paint everything again.

This happens about once every two days.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Driving

I went on a roadtrip these past couple of days. I drove all over the state of Alberta in Canada... (Again, much prefer the word STATE versus province, because I'm not sure I can spell the p word right.)

It was pretty boring in spots, so I would daydream. One of my dreams involved me, a chicken, barbed wire, a highligher, propane, and a cell phone. That's all I can really say about it.

Do you ever play games while you're road-tripping? I do, sometimes I see home many times I can actually fall down without skinning my knee. I must say, tripping on the road and playing this game is much easier when in jeans. Jeans are great at protecting your knees when road-tripping. I once had a really bad trip that involved me jumping out a building thinking I could fly. I couldn't.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Working Out

Yesterday I started lifting weights. I'm pretty weak right now, so I couldn't lift very many weights at all. Basically I had two 5lbs weights and lifted those over and over again about 730 times in a row. I woke up this morning, walked into the bathroom, and looked in the mirror... horrified. I didn't have any arms. I'm not saying my arms were just really small and hanging there, but they weren't there at all. I ran back into my bedroom and looked in my bed... and holy canoli! My arms had fallen off in the middle of the night. I called 911 (or the Canadian version of 911... which is 119... everything is backwards in Canadia.) They rushed here as quick as they could and asked me what had happened. I told them. And they slapped their hands on their heads. "Idiot!" they yelled, "Never do 730 weight lifts in a row with 5lbs weights... it's a recipe for disaster!" "Oh" I said meekly, standing there in my bedroom with no arms and three EMS guys. They all stood there shaking their heads. "Well, aren't you going to do something?" I asked. "Yes.... Yes we are." and they picked up my arms and slapped them back on my body. The arms stuck. And now I'm completely back to normal, thank goodness.

In the end, this story was a completely fabrication.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Never the Winner... Never the Loser...

I've got the great ability of never actually winning anything, but never losing anything either. You may be confused about what I'm saying. Here's an example, I play on a Canadian Football team (really strange, field is a different size and the cheerleaders are all fat and ugly). Anyway, my team has played 10 games. Our record? 0-0-10. We've tied 10 times. It's always like this. I played the lottery the other day and I got just enough numbers right to get another free ticket, but not any money. DIdn't win... Didn't lose. I just sat in my bobsled and stared at the ticket... then I held it up in the air and let out a blood-curdling scream at the top of my lungs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Sure, it wasn't manly screaming, but it got the point across.)

And what do you say about playing one-on-one with someone? Well, I played air hockey with a guy last night and even before either of us could score a point, we both hit the plastic puck and it exploded. End game.

This has been happening to me since I was a little kid. I was found a hundred dollar bill, but then I sneezed on it and got stuff on it from when you sneeze and I showed it to Mama McBoob... she took it away and said it was unsanitary. The next day, she had new earings.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Another Day In the Book

Last night on TV, I told everyone to expect the greatest weather in the world here in Alberta. I mean, temperatures in the 70s, a lot of sun, low humidity, and a light southerly breeze. All in all, things were going to be amazing. In fact, I even signed a contract with everyone in the viewing area, if today wasn't one of the 10 nicest days of the year, I'd do 30 backflips in a row.

Well, when is the last time a meteorologist was right? At noon, it's only 65 degrees. There are a ton of clouds, and it's just a tad bit chilly outside. All in all, today is NOT a top 10 day. So what am I supposed to do?

Well, I went out and I started downtown on fire. It will heat everything up. The smoke will cover the sky so I can be like "Well, too bad that fire was started downtown and the skies were all obstructed, because behind that thick viel of smoke lies crystal clear blue skies." It's a perfect plan... and hell no one will be concerned with the nice weather, because everyone is out fighting the fire. It's great! The best plan I have ever had.

Burn Alberta Burn!

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Nice Weather

I mentioned yesterday that it was freaking freezing here in Alberta. To the point that I slipped on some ice in August. Well, over the course of the past week, things got pretty toasty and humid. In fact, one day I ran from my limo to my house and in the short distance I looked like a wet hippo. However, I'm not as fat as a hippo... I was just wet. I'm actually a really skinny guy... so perhaps the wet hippo analogy doesn't work... hmm. Ok. A wet giraffe. I dooo have a long neck, so this works out better.

Anyway, I don't know if you've ever been to Alberta before, but not many people up here have air conditioners. In fact, no one does. So, with the temperature seeming to push toward the 1000 degree mark, it wasn't very nice in any building. Not only that though, but just like me, people were sweating (and not even to the oldies, they were just sweating). So, everything really smelled bad too. Like BO. And when they sweated at home... well, that was HBO.

It's also difficult to sleep. I didn't get one wink of shut eye... so instead of winking when I fall asleep, I just kept my eyes closed the entire time. That works much better. I still didn't sleep well though.

In the end, the weather here in Alberta is a lot cooler now. Thank goodness... if I had to look like a drenched long necked mammal one more time, I'd vomit.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

I'm Back.

Dear World.

I am back and I am better than ever. I have moved my address from LiveJournal to Blogspot. It's now easier to find me than ever before. If you are in the middle of nowhere and can't find your bookmark... have no fear. Just type frankumcboob.blogspot.com and presto you are here. Also, notice my middle initial is in the address. My name is Frank Usa McBoob. Sometimes my friends say "Usa Mcboob". and I'm like "I KNOW I AM!!"

Anyway... a lot has been going on lately. I hope I can keep you up to date a little better than I have in the past.

I have moved... which is one of the reasons I haven't really been around. I'm now living in Alberta Canada. The United States was just too hip for me. Now that I'm in Alberta, I feel more at home. You know, the Canadians aren't as hip, so now I'm the hippest of them all.

I still do weather... but now I'm doing the weather in this great town and being paid even more than I was in the past. Surprising I know... I was a millionaire. I'm close to a billionaire now.

Anyway, yesterday I was walking and I slipped on some ice. And I was like "ICE?!?! IT's FREAKING AUGUST!!!" (I know it is september now, but when this happened it was August, so don't judge me.) Anyway, slipping on ice is just one of the occupational hazards that I have when living in the tundra.

Anyway, I'll let you go. And by the way... I need constant feedback from people. Frank U. McBoob lives off of feedback as I need to know people love or hate me. So, whether you love or hate me, please send frankumcboob.blogspot.com to all your friends and tell them to post. If you don't... I'll eat your left ear. (Left ears taste better than the right ones.)

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

P.S. Kidding about that whole eating your left ear thing... what do you think I am? A canadian? Or is that supposed to be cannibal? eh... same thing.