From the Archives

Been pretty busy lately. Got my boxers in the mail yesterday and there was a huge hole in the butt! I was pretty disappointed... I just thought they were supposed to look like they had a hole in the butt... not actually have one. Anyway, I've been dealing with the company that sent them to me, but they won't refund my money. I'm on the phone with them pretty much 24/7, so other than that nothing much has happened in my life. So, I decided to pull a post from the archives.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

A couple things never to say to a weather person:

1) Did you order this nice/bad weather?
2) Must be nice to have a job that you never have to be right in. (It's not witty, I've heard it a million times before.)
3) I remember that time when you guys (doesn't matter if it was actually me or my station) said that it was going to (insert weather here) and it didn't.
4) I watch you every morning. (When I work nights... or vice versa)
5) My Cousin Ned is your neighbor. (Ned lives two miles away and has never met me.)
6) I wish I had a job where I could be right 50% of the time. (See #2)
7) How much do you make? (It's very awkward when I have to tell them I make $1,250,000 a year)
8) What's the weather gonna be? (giggle giggle)
9) My child is doing a weather project on [the high, low, and rain and snow for Timbuktu for the past 3 months] can you get me this data?
10) Why is your forecast different than the one on the weather channel? (Because the Weather Channel is stupid... and I am smart.)

Sorry!

Here are my new boxers.


Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

New Boxers

I got some new underwear today.

What do you think?

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Nintendo

Some parts of this video are a little laborious, but overall it's pretty funny. It reminds me of my childhood in Australia and my time of playing the Nintendo. It was $100 and I saved up all my own money to buy one. Take a look:


Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

That's it!

Over the past couple of months, I have fought long and hard against Anonymous. I can take them no longer though. The last post concerning getting a Santa Suit was enough to make me vomit. Is nothing sacred? Now, we've sunk to a new low of spamming to get people to buy Santa Suits.

Further, if Mindy is correct, The Life has been black-listed because of Anonymous and Santa Claus Suit's stupid posts concerning Santa Suits.

I am sorry to say, but from this point forward, you will have to enter a code in order to reply. At least for a little while... perhaps when Anonymous forget about me I can turn them off.

May the Lord have mercy on Anonymous and Santa Claus Suits, but I'd rather He damned Anonymous to Hell. Have fun roastin' in your Santa Suit you filthy bastard.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

I'm Back

Just got back from Australia. A really quick visit, but Mother and I had a lot of fun. It's spring-time in Australia right now, so we got the chance to do a lot of warm weather activities. It made me miss warm weather even more than I already did. I've gotten a couple nibbles from stations in the southwest with job openings, so I'm just weighing my options.

Anyway, Mother McBoob and I got the chance to go swimming. It was loads of fun! Here's a picture I snagged of Mother as we looked for a place to set up camp.

She said she had a good time with you Mighty...

yech.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Thanksgiving

I'm heading on vacation for a couple of days for Thanksgiving. I'm going to Australia to see Mother. I'm boarding the plane right now. I'll be back on Thanksgiving... A lot of plane riding, but to get some of Mother McBoob's famous horseradish cranberry stuffing, I'll do it!

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Living Arrangement

Since I lost out on the mansion because of my invention, it hasn't been easy to adjust to my new living arrangements. The mansion had about 10 rooms, each of which I assigned a different category. One was for sleeping, one was for cooking, another was for karate, another for gymnastics, another for napping, another for women, another for collection of pictures of the American Roofing System.... and then a few others like I had one for living, which I called the livingroom.

Anyway, I'm down to one bedroom now and I share a community restroom with a few other folks. I've also got all of the Shoe-Brellas in storage, so I have to pay for that as well.

Hopefully, I'll be able to get back on my feet soon. Still no word from Wal-Mart.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Falling on Hard Times

As many of you know, I live in a mansion in Alberta... and I make a few million dollars a year. Lately though, I invested much of that money into a developing, patenting, and manufacturing a new invention. I call the invention, "Shoe-Brella". It's a pretty simple device, but one that I thought would revolutionize a rainy day and the fashion industry. Well, back in August, I got the patent approved for the "Shoe-Brella". Patent Number 12ABOP392.2.

Needless to say, I was pretty darn excited. I immidiately went into the production phase of my invention. The company that I went through and I produced about 50,000 Shoe-Brellas for sale across the United States and Canada. I was pretty sure I could find a large market in Portland and Seattle. It rains a lot there, so the Shoe-Brella should be in high demand throughout that entire region. When I went to sell the product to area store, no one was overly interested. I gave out a few hundred samples and many places said they would call me back.

That was a month and a half ago and not one person has ordered more Shoe-Brellas. It is pretty dis-heartening, to say the least. I'm still keeping my hopes up. Next week, I'm taking a few samples to southern Califonia.

Anyway, I'm pretty much financially ruined, unless someone starts buying the Shoe-Brella en masse. I've moved out of my mansion and I'm living in an apartment pretty close to the station. Hopefully, my fortunes will turn around and my fortune will increase once again. We'll find out someday.

Just wanted to let you all know. Please pray that people will find the Shoe-Brella useful. I mean, it's very useful... one of the number one complaints when it rains is wet feet and now there is a way to protect your shoes and your feet.

The Shoe-Brella. Working Hard to Keep Your Feet Dry-ella.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

The World As We Know It

As you might not know, I've been kind of disenfranchised with Alberta lately. I've been thinking about making my move to somewhere a tad nicer, both in the climate and in other things. However, I haven't been able to decide where I actually want to go. I have many options, but none of them seem to be as awesome as Canada. Anyway, I'm hoping you folks can help me out and suggest to me some awesome places for me to move. Let me know.

Anyway, apparently the Albertan press got ahold of my Canadian dissatisfaction and they have taken action. Last night I got a call from the Prime Minister of Canada, Paul Martin. Only problem was that I had no idea who Paul Martin was.

"Helo Frank. This is Paul Martin."
"Oh. Hello."
"How are you doing this evening?"
"Good."
"That's great. Listen, I've heard you're thinking about leaving Canada."
"um. Ok."
"I just want you to know that I along with..."
"Wait wait wait. Who the hell is this?"
"Paul Martin. The Prime Minister of Canada."
"Prime Minister?"
"Yes."
"I've never heard of you before."
"Oh. I... um... you..."
"Canada has a Prime Minister? So, you're kind of the Queen's honky tonk?"
"The Queen? of England? No... not at all."

The conversation continued in a similar manner for about an hour. I didn't even know we had a Prime Minister... let alone... I had never even heard of a Paul Martin. Poor chap. He kind of reminded me as the Creepy King from the BK Commercials. I'm pretty sure that I might wake up with him in my bed tomorrow and he doesn't say anything and just smiles...

I wonder if President Bush makes fun of him. I would.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Being Pregnant

I randomly found a blog with this lady that is pregnant.

I am glad I am not pregnant and glad that I never will be... but God bless her! Tonight she made apple pie with margarita mix, just hours after puking her brain out and popping blood vessels in her eyes. Now, that is true motherhood.

My Baby Daze

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Maps

Sometimes when I'm bored, I take out my book of maps and look at them and then I will randomly point to a spot on some random state map and that's where I'll go for my next vacation.

Yesterday, I got lucky and pointed to Condon, Montana. That's pretty close to my current location, so I hopped into my car and set out for this thriving metropolis.

Needless to say, I was a tad disappointed in the metropolis part, but the beauty part was amazing.

I walked into town and stuck my head into a saloon.

"Howdy partner." I said in my best Montana accent.
"I don't think he's from around here boys." said the bartender. Then the entire bar just stared at me and they got up and started walking toward me. I was pretty sure I was going to get eaten, so I peed my pants. In truth, they all just wanted to shake my hand and buy me a beer. So, there I sat, in Condon Montana with pee on my leg and drinking beer with the locals. They didn't seem to mind the urine smell thankgoodness.

Anyway, I'm back home now and I'd like to send my thanks to Condon. I'd also like to send my love to Lil' Miss Janey Poo...

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

From the Archives

I've been pretty busy lately... Yesterday, I had to work 27 hours in a row... so anyway I went back to my old blog and found something from the archives. Hopefully, I'll have time to post more tomorrow.

Roses Really Smell Like Urine

So... a common problem for a man is dribble. You go pee and you dribble a little bit on your boxers when you are done. This happens because you are absolutely certain you're finished urinating, but when you put your peepee back in its home it lets out a couple of tears.

This happened to me yesterday. I was like, "Man... I hate it when that happens." It doesn't happen to often, but every once in a while. It gets really annoying.

A couple hours later, I'm standing at the main anchors' desks. They're looking over a script I have just produced. All of a sudden, I start smelling urine. The stench is strong. I'm thinking, I dribbled, but not THAT much. I mean, this urine smells. I start getting all self-conscious. I walk into the bathroom and into the stall and try to smell myself... but I can't.

Do I smell like urine? Did I pee on myself to the point that I now have to walk around with a urine stench wherever I go? This could ruin me. For months and years, people will talk about how Frank McBoob smells like urine.

I walk back out into the newsroom... all worried and I walk by the anchor desk again. THERE IT IS!! I smell like urine again! Then I notice a large bouquet of flowers on the desk.

They are roses... and after a couple of days (I don't know if you know this), but roses kind of get a urine smell to them... It was the roses the entire time! I really don't smell like urine.

Whew.

Sincerely,
Frank McBoob

Cool Weather

A cold front went through yesterday... It was actually kind of nice before the front went through... our temperatures were in the mid teens and the winds was barely blowing. Now that the cold front greeted us, our temps are about fifty degrees colder. I know... it's pretty darn cold. Even Snuffulufugus is cold and I've put on his entire winter outfit and let him ride around the yard in his truck so his feetsies stay warm.

Hopefully it will warm up soon.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Pita Chips

I love pita chips. I think they are absolutely the greatest thing that God ever created. Even better than the personal computer.

Anyway, so I was at the grocery store and I happened upon the aisle of pita chips. I was in heaven (The grocery store is called Heaven's FoodStore... so I really was). There are so many kinds of pita chips... Pesto and Sundried Tomato, Parmesan, Bacon & Cheddar, Honey Mustard, Sour Cream & Onion, Tomato-Basil Parmesan, Hot & Spicy, and I could go on an on, but I won't.

So, I'm standing there trying to figure out which kind of Pita Chip I should purchase. It's a very important decision. And then I see this:

Cinnamon Maple Sugar

Sounds decent right? I like cinnamon and I like sugar... so I thought "What the heck... I'll go for it."

Those damned things were the nastiest incarnation of pita chips I have ever tasted. Basically, someone took pancakes, drizzled way too much syrup on them, and then dried them out and called the pita chips. I took one bite and vomited all over the car and on the road and in my house. Vomiting over and over again. Disgusting...Iknow... I mean who makes a pita chip that tastes like pancakes.

Anyway, pita chips affect my mood greatly... so know I'm raging all the time. Yesterday, I killed a man.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

What?!?

Sometimes when I post, I go back and read what I posted a couple days after... and sometimes I'm just amazed by how interesting I am and how wonderful of a person I am.

This is not the case tonight though. The reason? This:

If the snow overhangs were opium, I'd call Alberta Afghanistan. They're not though, so I'll just kill it Alberta, even when I do extinguish the Taliban.

What the heck does that mean? Does anyone have any idea of what I was trying to say? I don't. Oh well.

I did get this email once... I forwarded it on... but nothin'. Doesn't really matter though, I've got all the money I need.

Well Folks,
I just got an Email from Former President William Jefferson Clinton. He says that if I forward this email to 2,392,393 people, I can get money. I couldn't believe it, so like a blind mice I am starting to send it out.

Trust me this works. I called a friend who knows a friend who looks like another friend of mine and he forwarded it to a ton of people and Bill Clinton sent him money!

I went to a friend's house after I got the message and asked them concerning this message they had sent me. And what did they do? They pulled out a package President Clinton sent and inside the package sat $23,293 in cash!!!!!! I know.

What do you do? Just email this message to everyone you know. If you don't, you're probably going to hell. Also, make sure that you eat an apple and run around your house three times after you send this. Bill Clinton knows if you did or not, so you better do this. If you don't eat an apple and run around your house three times, then you will be forced to move to Antarctica. Bill Clinton has the power to do that.

You're going to be rich. I'm going to be rich. We're all going to be rich, because Bill Clinton can track all of these Emails using his special tracking software that only Bill Clinton has.

Good luck.... I need a new car!

Frank McBoob

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

My Return

Well, I just got back from Santa Fe... what a trip! On the way down there, I stopped at some villages in the Rocky Mountains and they had cool roofs too. Very steep... lets the snow fall off them easier.

Do you know one of my favorite things about roofs and snow? When you get those big overhangs, where the snow clings to the roof for dear life. I love 'em. They remind me of my hangnails... Kind of... sort of... well... not really. Oh well. Anyway, that's why I love it here in Alberta (one of the main reasons I moved here really). We've got those overhangs all over the place. If the snow overhangs were opium, I'd call Alberta Afghanistan. They're not though, so I'll just kill it Alberta, even when I do extinguish the Taliban.

With that said though, I'm actually getting pretty bored up here in Canada. My trip to Santa Fe really opened my eyes to how nice it is not to freeze to death everytime I walk out the door. I've started sending resumes to other places trying to find a warmer job. Granted I've got a great contract making a few mill up here, but I've got to get out. I feel like a 90 year old hooker at a senior citizen home right after the pharmacy run. It's fun to start, but after awhile someone's gonna have a heart attack.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Vacation Time!!

Good news folks... I just got in the mail today my train tickets to goto Santa Fe. Many of you know my love and fascination with the American Roofing System. Santa Fe has some AWESOME roofs... and even though I've been to Santa Fe before, I'm going back. It should be a pretty good time.

Anyway, I leave tomorrow morning in the morning first traing out of Alberta and then I'm on my way all the way south. It's a fast train and I won't be spending much time in Santa Fe... so I think I'll be back by Sunday... perhaps even Saturday.

Snuffulufugus is going with me. He doesn't have to wear his cone as much, but still every once in awhile. He's got another vet appointment on Monday, so I have to be back by then. They said they might have to put a tube in his rear-end to help with the swelling... I'm serious!

Talk to you guys sooner, rather than later.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob