My Freaking Awesome Christmas

So... my christmas was freaking awesome. I think most people would agree that Christmas was invented to be awesome... that and to deliver Jesus.

Anyway, I finally got my iPod Micro (see photo at bottom, in case you didn't see it a couple months ago when I told everyone I wanted one). They are limited edition, so you probably can't get one. Steve Jobs is a pretty big fan of my weather work (he had a summer home in Alberta) and so he hooked me up with one. Me and like three other people have one (1. Pope Benedict 2. Fidel Castro and 3. Roseanne.. true story)

However, not only did I get an iPod Micro, my friend got me 20 different potato chips that all look like something. Some of my faves... a chip that looks like the sun when the sun looks like a a golden retriever.. A chip that appears to be a Ford Taurus. Another chip that looks like the Virgin Mary moments after giving birth. Anyway, there's a lot more...

Then... Mother McBoob got me a sewing kit. I took it back already and exchanged it for a package of Neosporin and Tylenol.

Finally, Snuffulufugus got me a sweet new ride. Can't really give you anymore details about the ride though... I think Snuffulufugus stole it, so I might get in trouble if word gets out.

Still in the process of packing. However, I am not moving to the Lou though (Although, I used the Lou this morning.) I've got some bad news. Me and that girl broke up. I freaking hate her. Here's the story...

I call her Christmas Eve and I'm like "Hey, what's up Sugar-Lumpkin."
And she says, "Don't call me that, Ted."
I say, "Ted?"
She says, "Ya. Te.... oh no...." ten to two-hundred second silence "I mean... Frank."
"Who is Ted?"
"No one Frank."
"TED?!?!? YOU CHEATING WHORE! I HATE YOUR GUTS" (sob sob) "I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE ONE YOU CHEATING TWO TIME PIECE OF POO SLUTTY SLUT SLUT!"

Then I hung up. I hate her. Other than that though... my Christmas was freaking awesome.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

My New iPod Micro

Merry Christmas

I would like to wish everyone that is a faithful reader of The Life a very Merry Christmas.

And if you don't believe in Christmas... well, have fun roasting in Hell you pagan bastard.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

P.S. Happy New Year, too! (And if you don't follow the western calendar, may you die a slow and painful death in the year "2006" or whatever year is next on your pathetic and pitiful calendar.)

Long Story Short

Apologies to McSweeney's and Zhubin Parang, but I just have to tell you this story... I just don't have much time.

Yesterday, I'm in the supermarket getting some cabbage, beef, gnochi, and pancake mix. Anyway, I see one of my best friends looking at the tortilla shelf picking them up, smelling them, and putting them back down. I walked over and asked her what she was doing and apparently, if you smell tortillas you can tell whether they are fresh or not. So, I start picking up the tortillas and giving them a good whiff. Anyway, long story short, my underwear got stuck in the truck's pistons and I had to run home naked.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Sometimes you feel like a nut...

So, this morning I just got back from the Lou... That would be St. Louis... not the bathroom... and anyway, I go in to check on my potato chip that is shaped like a pinkie toe that looks like a banana and it's gone.

I have looked all over for the freaking thing and its disappearance is driving me crazy. What happened to it? I asked myself.

Then I walk outside and look at Snuffuluffugus's poo... and yep... there it is.

That little bastard.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Moving Some Stuff

Well, folks... I'm moving some of my stuff to St. Louis this week. I'll be in and out, but I'll be out more than in.

So, just keep that in mind, when you come around these parts.

Also, FYI, I found a potato chip yesterday in the shape of a pinkie toe that is shaped like a banana. Thinking about selling it on Ebay.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Itchy Feet

Man... last night, I awoke in the middle of the night and my feet itched like crazy.

I lay awake for a couple hours just itching them, because that's what I thought it called for. Eventually, I put moisturizer on them and that helped a little. I was finally able to fall back asleep.

Anyway, this morning I wake up, and I apparently scatched my entire left foot off. And my right foot? Perfect. It feels like a million dollars.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

FYI

I love toast. I especially love it with peanut butter on top. I especially love it even more when it's tasty wheat toast with peanut butter on top. And I love natrual style peanut butter. I love mixing in that oil at the top (It makes me feel like I created my own peanut butter). And I love the American Roofing System. And most of all, I love you, Felicity VanGluteus.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Packing

I'm sitting here packing up my stuff. I don't have much left since I had to sell most of my possessions (including my kidney and my left thumbnail), but I'm packing what I do have.

Anyway, I got distracted. I made one of the boxes into a little house. I cut out windows and drew flowers next to the "front door". On the inside, I drew some stuff, like a picture on the wall and a couch and fireplace. The fireplace makes it quite cozy.

Whoever said living in a cardboard box is not very nice must not have the same interior decorating skills that I inherited from my Great-Grandmother.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Breakfast in Hell+

In response to RevRee's post about Not Serving Breakfast in Hell... I found convincing proof that that is not true.

Take a look:


Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Sorry

Sorry for my absence of late... as I said in my previous post I've been very busy. However, what I didn't tell you was the real reason I've been busy.

First of all, it didn't take that long to get my money back for the boxers. However, I was talking on the phone. I was talking on the phone with a woman. Her name is Felicity VanGluteus.

Folks, I think I am in love. There's just one problem, Felicity lives in St. Louis. I've only been to St. Louis once and that was to see if the Arch had a roof. (It didn't... at least not one with shingles... kind of disappointing.)

Anyway, so yesterday Felicity and I talked for 25 hours all in one day. Considering my life here is in a state of flux, because of the failure of my Shoe-Brellas... I've decided to move on from Alberta. I'm heading to St. Louis to begin a-new.

Not quite sure where I'm going to live. I've placed a call to the Arch to see if they have any apartments in that thing... they should... I mean if it just stands there with no real purpose that would be amazingly stupid.

Anyway, I'm in the process of packing up my apartment. I will try and keep you updated on me and my travels the best I can.

Wish me luck!

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob