Now I'm sick! (and Halloween)

I think I have mono. Good thing I haven't kissed anyone in awhile... I have a sore throat and I'm tired. Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean I have mono. Once I had all of the symptoms of mono, but had a blood test done and it was some other virus that acts like mono, but isn't. Crazy... I know.

Anyway, I haven't gone to the doctors. I hope I am feeling better tomorrow. I'm going trick-or-treating tomorrow. I called up to the station today and told them I didn't feel well and that I wouldn't be able to trick-or-treat today. I call upon a personal favor of some of the crew up there... anyway, they're going to tell everyone tonight at 5 and 6 that halloween has been postponed one day. Then I'll get to go tomorrow.

Sometimes it really pays to work in this business. I don't know if you've seen The Weatherman or not, but that's what I'm going as. Nicolas Cage in the movie the Weatherman. So, when people ask me, the conversation will go something like this:
"What are you?"
"I'm Nicolas Cage in the movie The Weatherman."
"So you're a weathman?"
"No, you freaking idiot. I'm Nicolas Cage in the move The Weatherman. GOD!! WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID!"

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Snuffulufugus Update

Well, last night Snuffulufugus had a pretty bad night. I had to take him to the vet's office in the middle of the night. His swollen butt, got a little too swollen. I'll leave it at that, without going into any more details.

Anyway, he's got his new halloween costume. He's not a big fan of it. I call it "Snuffulufugus from Outer Space". However, I can tell by his look he calls it "Snuffulufugus would Kick Frank's *** If He Didn't Have This Big Stupid Bowl Strapped To His Neck." In response I ask him whether he's got any good radio stations he's picking up. At that point he just shows me his raw rear-end and walks away cussing.

I tried to tell him, it's for his own good, but he won't listen to me.

Everyone pray for the mutt... and please do not be alarmed by the above picture, which I found while doing research on Snuffulufugus's new head strapped satellite dish.

Even Snuffulufugus thought that that was funny.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Poker

Me and a couple friends got together for poker night at the McBoob mansion.

Crazy Alberta!!

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Snuffulufugus

Snuffulufugus is sick right now. I'm quite worried. If you'll remember from a couple of days ago, I mentioned that Snuffulufugus wore tighty whities/whitey tighties... well, apparently dogs are not supposed to do that!

He's got some type of rear-end infection. He's having a tough time sitting down and can't relieve himself from his posterior very easy.

I made a vet appointment, but there aren't very many animal doctors in Canada... so I can't get in there until Monday morning. Until then, everyone please say a prayer that that his swelling goes down some. Thanks!

Also, got one of the two emails I was waiting for. News in the email was so-so. I'll know more next week hopefully.

I chose hairstyle number two. Thanks to Bridget for responding, but thanks to no one for helping me choose. May God damn you to hell for your inactivity in replying.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

p.s. Kidding about that damning to hell thing... I think you guys are swell... just like Snuffulufugus's butt.

Email Again And Hair

I found out that the email I was waiting for probably won't arrive in my inbox until Monday at the earliest. Thank goodness.

However, I sent another email and that reply could change my life too... but on that one I don't have a reply yet either. Shnikeys! These people need to learn that I'm more important than anything they could ever have going on in their lives! I AM FRANK U. MCBOOB...Gosh dangit.

Anyway, I've got the day off work. I'm not working on anything at all. It's wonderful. I do have to get my haircut soon. Does anyone have a suggestion of which style I should choose? Here are a couple of ideas:

(1)

(2)

(3)

Let me know.

Sincerely,
Frank U. Mcboob

Ties & Suits

Has anyone ever thought about ties before? Seriously... what's the freaking point of a tie? Who came up with this stupid idea. Everything else you wear at least has some type of purpose.

Underwear - Extra protection and layer to protect the McBoob jewels. (I wear tighty whities... and so does Snuffulufugus... just fyi.)

Shirt - Covers man boobs and keeps you warm.

Undershirt - Provides extra protection for manboobs.

Pants - Covers legs and provides extra protection for McBoob jewels.

Shoes - Makes sure your feet don't get cut up with glass and dirty narcotic needles.

Socks - Makes your feet a little less stinky by absorbing sweat, which you can discard into the clothes hamber. Socks are also good for... nevermind.

Watch - Tells you what time it is and reminds you that someday you will die.

Tie - ??!?!??

No purpose. It's just hanging there with absolutely no purpose at all. I think they're stupid, yet I'm forced to wear one. When it comes to men's clothing, you should not have to wear anything without an explicit purpose. Basically, I blame this all on the women. However, I still love them... in a strictly sexual way.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Email

I'm waiting for a very important email. It is not coming.

It could change my life, but it isn't here yet and it's making me go crazy!

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

I'm Back

Sorry that I haven't posted much lately, I've been pretty busy. I also has a long-time friend come in from Pasadena for a visit. He's not little, old, or a lady though.

Anyway, we had a good time. We actually took shots of some nasty wine and played tic-tac-toe all night long. We got really wasted. So, wasted, that I stripped down to my underwear and swung around on my cieling fan yelling "The T.V. is psycho!" (The Gong Show was on.)

He's gone now... and I'm all alone. It's pretty chilly here in Alberta... but hopefully it will warm up by July.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Eating Glue

Yesterday I ate glue. I've never done that, not even when I was in the second grade.

However, I must say. It actually tasted pretty darn good. Sure sure... There are stereotypes when it comes to glue eating, but stereotypes are just very rude. I am completely normal and if I want to eat horse's hooves... then let me! okay?!?

Anyway, if you'll excuse me... I need to go pick my nose.

(HA! You guys totally believed that I was going to pick my nose! Cause you were like, "Well, he does eat glue... so he must be going to pick his nose. Well, you'd be totally wrong! I was never going to pick my nose... you guys are just horrible human beings for just assuming! HORRIBLE!)

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Featured

Apparently Frank U. McBoob: The Life was featured in an article one Adweek.com in their blog section.

Flash: Adweek Mentions McBoob

Very exciting.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Updates

Sorry that I haven't been updating everyday. I've been pretty busy lately. Here are a couple reasons why:

1) Snuffulufugus got real sick yesterday and pooped EVERYWHERE. It took a while to clean up... especially washing the cieling was difficult (And disgusting).
2) I ran out of gas on the way to work. The Hummer drank a little too much a little too quick. Anyway, I had to walk to work and on the way I got attacked by a pack of penguins. Perhaps you have seen "March of the Penguins"... well they're pretty intense little fellas and almost killed me. Luckily though, I killed them first. Sad.
3) I was putting my shoe on my left foot and my shoe horn broke and stabbed me in the right pinkie toe. Luckily, the pinkie toe isn't overly important... it'll be okay in a matter of weeks.
4) I had a stalker.
5) I took a picture of the full moon and when I got it developed I noticed a flying saucer. The next morning Will Smith showed up on my doorstep. He's an ass.
6) I ate breakfast yesterday and when I got done, I came up with the most amazing thought ever... It was one of those thoughts that will change the world when the masses hear it. Therefore, I will tell you my thought right now... Here it is:

...

SHOOT! Snuffulufugus just got sick again! I've got to go clean the showerhead and the cupboard above the fridge now! My world changing thought will have to wait. SORRY!

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Walking On Water

The walking on water thing actually went pretty well. I did get a little wet, but overall I suceeded in my goal.

However, I did have problems listening to Shakira. I couldn't get my iPod Micro to work right... instead I listened to Jessica Simpson A close second in my list of "Most Awesome Singers Ever".

In the end though... I sank. I was walking out to meet someone in the middle of the lake and right before I got there I fell in. The water was bitterly cold. Ice chunks were floating all around me... they had to call a rescue helicopter to come get me out of the lake... It was INTENSE!

Luckily though... I didn't die... I've done that before and it is NOT fun.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Baseball

What a strange sport you Americans and Candians play. Baseball??!

I watched some of tonight's American League Championship Series and I must say it was very entertaining.

However, the final inning was a bit dull... Seriously? What's the big hub-ub?

I'm tired tonight, sorry that this post is so short. I do have some good news though... I'm going to walk on water tomorrow while eating a B.L.T. and listening to Shakira on my iPod. It should be interesting... I'll let you know how it all goes.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

BK Commercial ... Again

I thought we had gotten rid of the creepy BK commercials. If I have to see that creepy, plastic king face stare at me through my television I am going to freak out.

It has traumatized me once before and it's traumatizing me again. This time the stupid king is log-rolling with his buddy. Perhaps his buddy should realize that the creepy King just served him a nasty breakfast sandwich. And that the creepy King just randomly appeared in the middle of a deserted forrest.

If I were to ever chop down a tree to find the creepy King standing behind it with a nasty sandwich on a silver platter... well I would all of a sudden have a new use for my saw. And that would be the end of those commercials.

Even though I do not like how oatmeal tastes in my mouth or looks to my eyes, you should really wake up with some oatmeal. Anyway, the Quaker Oats guy and I got in on a little action....

Thanks to Fark.com for this great image.

I've attached my previous altercation with the king to the bottom of this post.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Previous Post Concerning Creepy King:

I have been traumatized. I turned on the television and decided to watch a little bit of the boob tube.. (I like to call the it the McBoob tube though).

I am enjoying myself, laughing heartily at America's Funniest Home Video and My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss.

Then I see it.. the commercial that has haunted me ever since.

A man waking up in bed and finding a gigantic Burger King in bed with him. NO! I'm not talking about a big restaurant, I'm talking about a king of burgers!!! Oh man! The head on this Burger King was gigantic and plastic and didn't move. It just smiled... creepily... and smiled.... creepily. Freak nuts! Then both the guy in bed and this gigantic headed burger king start laughing.

I don't know about you, but if I ever find a giant headed damned burger king in my bed, I'm going to beat the hell out of it. I would not stop to laugh with it. HAVE YOU SEEN ITS CREEPY SMILE?!?!? Anyway, I would take the touch lamp thats at the side of my bed and just beat him with it. GETOUTOFMYBED!!! It would be a very creepy scene, because every time I hit him the lamp would get brighter and brighter and then turn off... turn back on... get brighter and brighter... turn off. If I beat him fast enough, it would be a strobe effect. Which would be freaky... but it would serve him right for making me wake up with him.

So... in the end. No, I will not wake up with Burger King.

Sincerely,
Frank McBoob

I used to be fat...

Don't know if anyone here knows this (I'm sure some of you do), but I used to be quite fat. One of my friends was talking about whether it was socially acceptable to wear only sweatpants.

Unfortunately, it's not. I could only fit into sweatpants when I was fat. I couldn't even fit into a shirt... I wore a tarp. I just wrapped the tarp around my body and then moved really fast through crowds of people. I did this for two reasons, 1) I was embarrassed that I was so fat that I had to wear sweatpants and a tarp and 2) I was hoping if I went fast, no one would notice that my shirt was actually just a tarp wrapped around my body.

Unfortunately, it didn't work... I ran over two people and injured them and once I started a stampede because people were freaked out that the family tent could run.

In the end, I lost weight. Thank goodness.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

No More Than 10 Items

Perhaps one of the biggest problems I have in this world are those people that think they can go to the express lane no matter what.

The rules say "No More than 10 Items" and guess what... that means you can not have anymore things in your cart than 10 items. Sometimes, I will be a little leniant, if the person in front of me has 11 or 12... that's fine.

The point of this lane is EXPRESS. That's why it's called the Express Lane and that's why grocery stores have invoked the "No More than 10 Items" rule. If you have more than 10 items it is no longer express and they would call it the "Not Very Express Lane" or the "Almost an Express Lane if People Would Please Not Bring More than 10 Items". With that said, it's not a request, it's a rule.

So, needless to say, when I went to the store today and I had one item, I wanted to go quickly. I thought, "hmm.. the express lane is made just for me in this situation." However, the stupid lady in front of me had more than 10 items... she clearly had more than 10 items... I quickly glanced at her cart and I could immidiately tell she had more than 10 items. In fact, the register had a little counter of the total number of items and you know how many she had? 25!!! I'm not joking, this stupid person thought they could sneak by an extra 15 items.

Well, needless to say, this McBoob wasn't happy with her.

"Excuse me," I said. "Do you know this is an express lane? In fact, inches above your head it says No More than 10 Items..."
She stared at me.
"I mean," I said. "You're really slowing everyone down. I'm probably going to miss my hair appointment now."
She continues staring at me.
"I mean," I said. "You're probably the most inconsiderate, stupid, and ugliest person I have ever met."
Then she started crying... but everyone around me agreed. They all started cheering and clapping and chanting "McBoob... McBoob... McBoooooob!"

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Things are looking up...

Got called into the boss's office yesterday. Good news. My Q Ratings are through the roof. Over 90% of people in Alberta know Frank McBoob and almost all of them think I am the coolest person in Alberta. Those who do know me, but do not think I am the coolest person, are probably those that watch my competition (Shirley O'Weather... personally I think she changed her last name to match her weather profession... that b).

Anyway, my boss wanted to talk about my contract status. He wants me to sign for another 5 years. I'm already signed through 2007. The new contract is very lucrative... basically they're going to pay me double what I'm making. I know, pretty amazing considering I make millions now... but when you're a star like me they'll pay to make sure you stick around.

In the end though, I turned the contract down. My boss was wearing a tie with button down collars and that just annoys the hell out of me... and there is no way I can work for someone through 2012 that wears a button down collar with a tie. YECH!

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob
(Does anyone miss Frank's Friend Money Tracker Total? I sure do... dang google.)

Freaking Freezing

Something you might not realize about Alberta, but it gets very cold very quickly around here. Over the past couple of days our temperatures have dropped an amazing 110 degrees. Needless to say, right now it's freaking freezing.

I walked out of my mansion today drinking a cup of Joe and as I raised it to my lips it was frozen. Frozen to death. Very sad.

Joe's funeral will be on Tuesday.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Tired

Sometimes when you are tired you start seeing things that really aren't there. For example, this morning when I was driving to work, I saw a person standing in the middle of the road, so I slammed on my brakes. It wasn't a person at all!! It was a giraffe. Let me tell you... I'd rather have seen a person.

So, anyway, I pulled out around the giraffe and continued on my way... and look right in front of me I saw a civil war soldier. I was like "Frank... don't slow down... that civil war soldier isn't there for real, you're just super tired." So, I kept goin. Then WHAM.

Ooops. It wasn't a civil war soldier... it was actually Abraham Lincoln. AND I KILLED HIM.

Please keep this a secret.

Thanks.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Outrage in Alberta

I was driving to work today... and I saw something that I could NOT believe. How can they get away with this?
Completely bad taste...
Unfortunately, for me, there were no discounts for back hair.

Dang.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Oh No...Sorry Friend...

Bad news for my friend that I was raising money for. Apparently, it was against the rules. You may notice that "Frank U. McBoob: The Life" is now advertisement free. I would like to thank all of those that worked hard to raise money for my poor friend. However, Google gave me an order to stop it, so the ads are now gone.

Take a look:

Dear Frank U. McBoob:
It has come to our attention that invalid clicks have been generated on
the Google ads on your site(s). We have therefore disabled your Google
AdSense account. Please understand that this step was taken in an
effort to protect the interest of the AdWords advertisers.

A publisher's site may not have invalid clicks on any ad(s), including
but not limited to clicks generated by:

- a publisher on his own web pages
- a publisher encouraging others to click on his ads
- automated clicking programs or any other deceptive software
- a publisher altering any portion of the ad code or changing the
layout, behavior, targeting, or delivery of ads for any reason

Oh well. Thanks for all of your hard work, before they caught on, we had made over $20 for my friend. You guys are wonderful people, truly you are.

May each and everyone one of you that clicked on an ad be blessed and win 20 million dollars... or at least find a quarter on your car seat. That rocks!

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Jelly Belly

Folks,
The other day I was on the Jelly Belly website and if you fill out a quiz about Jelly Bellys you get some in the mail. I was like, what the heck, I'll fill it out.

So, I answered all the questions about which Jelly Bellys were real flavors and which were not. Then today in the mail, WHAM! there they were. Like a shining beacon of sugary goodness, they stared up at me.

"Eat us Frank!" they yelled. "Eat us now!"

I was like, "Okay!" So, I grabbed them up and ripped the package open as I walked inside.

I reached in a grabbed out a shingy, sugary white one. I'm not racist, that's just the first flavor I grabbed.

I put it in my mouth. I bit down on it. I screamed in disgust and spit it out.

WHO FREAKING MAKES A SUGARY CANDY TRY AND TASTE LIKE POPCORN?!?! You freaking IDIOTS!

I vomited twice and washed my mouth out with soap to get the flavor out of there.

Nasty.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

P.S. Frank's Friend Money Tracker Total:

$19.75
Just $0.25 to go!

A Bad Taste in my Mouth

Have you ever woken up to find a really bad taste in your mouth? I always wonder... why do I have a bad taste in my mouth this morning... but not any other morning?

It truly is a mystery that science cannot solve. Since it cannot be solved, it is proof of God.

That's what I think anyway... bad taste in mouth = no science of why = only God can put it there

If you need anymore philosophical thoughts, let me know.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

P.S. Frank Friend Money Tracker Total:

$19.23
Can we break $20 today?!?!

A Stalker, Stripper, and a 10th Grade Biology Teacher

Things couldn't be better in the day and life of Frank McBoob. However, I present the following story:

Yesterday, I'm walking down the street and a loyal viewer runs over.

"Frank?!?! Frank McBoob!?!"
"Why yes... it is me." I say with a smile.
"Frank, I am just the biggest fan of you."
"Well, thanks for watching."

Then I got to thinking, what if this guy is a stalker? What if he hangs pictures of me on his walls and worships them before he goes to bed? What if he kisses my pictures? So I say to him.. I says:

"Are you crazy?!?!"
"Excuse me?" he says.
"Are you a stalker?"
"What? No!"

Then I get to thinking... you know what. He's probably not a stalker. Just a very nice guy. Well, then I think... nice guys... many nice guys are really annoying and are usually 10th grade biology teachers (don't ask me why, but it's the truth). So, I say to him, I says:

"Oh. Sorry... I just thought maybe you were. I know your not. I'm just kiddin'!"
"Oh. All right. It's okay."
"So, how's class going these days?"
"Class? What do you mean?"
"Well, you're a nice guy... so biology class... kids are probably annoying sometimes."
"What the hell are you talking about?"

Then it struck me. He's definitely not a biology teacher. He's definitely something else. So, I say to him, I says:

"Nothing. It's probably tough work being a stripper though."

He just stares at me. Then he says:

"I hate you."

And he turns around and runs away. Man that guy was strange.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

P.S. Frank's Friend Money Tracker Total:

$18.62