Frank U. McBoob: The Life

Bud Light

2006-01-09T00:12:00.000-06:00

Is it just me or is it that everytime I drink a Bud Light it tastes nastier and nastier?

Tonight, I took a sip of one and I was pretty sure I was drinking Snuffulufugus's urine.

I wouldn't put it past him, but it was a fresh can and there's no way he could have got his pee into an un-opened can without driving to St. Louis to do it. And while he can drive, he can't go that far.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

This Blog is Worth A Lot!

2006-01-05T11:03:00.000-06:00

Pretty crazy... when I started this blog, I never realized that it would someday be worth B$2,773.51. That's quite a bit of money. I have no idea what it means, but I wish I could get that money for myself.

Here's a look at what some of my friend's and enemy's blogs are worth:
Woot! Woot! (B$220,679.95)

Postsecret (B$194,697.94)

Mighty Dyckerson (B$6,969.46)

RevRee (B$6,641.74)
Adventures of Chad Cleanly (B$5,482.50)
Iron Shoulder (B$3,177.99)
Being Pregnant is Crazy! (B$2,283.76)

Wow... I've got some rich blogs.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Codes

2006-01-05T10:58:00.000-06:00

Does anyone else despise the stupid codes required for posting something?

It always takes me two attempts to get it right, letters look like other letters, because they're smashed against each other. X's look like Y's and y's look like nickels.

Let me know your opinion on the matter, because I'm thinking about turning them off. Hopefully, anonymous doesn't come back then. I'll fight him to the death if he does though.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

You're an Idiot

2006-01-02T16:52:00.000-06:00

This morning, a man cut me off while I was driving to work. I leaned out the window and told him he was an idiot. He told me to go suck on a toe.

I love feet, so that's what I did when I got home.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

My Freaking Awesome Christmas

2005-12-26T16:33:00.000-06:00

So... my christmas was freaking awesome. I think most people would agree that Christmas was invented to be awesome... that and to deliver Jesus.

Anyway, I finally got my iPod Micro (see photo at bottom, in case you didn't see it a couple months ago when I told everyone I wanted one). They are limited edition, so you probably can't get one. Steve Jobs is a pretty big fan of my weather work (he had a summer home in Alberta) and so he hooked me up with one. Me and like three other people have one (1. Pope Benedict 2. Fidel Castro and 3. Roseanne.. true story)

However, not only did I get an iPod Micro, my friend got me 20 different potato chips that all look like something. Some of my faves... a chip that looks like the sun when the sun looks like a a golden retriever.. A chip that appears to be a Ford Taurus. Another chip that looks like the Virgin Mary moments after giving birth. Anyway, there's a lot more...

Then... Mother McBoob got me a sewing kit. I took it back already and exchanged it for a package of Neosporin and Tylenol.

Finally, Snuffulufugus got me a sweet new ride. Can't really give you anymore details about the ride though... I think Snuffulufugus stole it, so I might get in trouble if word gets out.

Still in the process of packing. However, I am not moving to the Lou though (Although, I used the Lou this morning.) I've got some bad news. Me and that girl broke up. I freaking hate her. Here's the story...

I call her Christmas Eve and I'm like "Hey, what's up Sugar-Lumpkin."
And she says, "Don't call me that, Ted."
I say, "Ted?"
She says, "Ya. Te.... oh no...." ten to two-hundred second silence "I mean... Frank."
"Who is Ted?"
"No one Frank."
"TED?!?!? YOU CHEATING WHORE! I HATE YOUR GUTS" (sob sob) "I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE ONE YOU CHEATING TWO TIME PIECE OF POO SLUTTY SLUT SLUT!"

Then I hung up. I hate her. Other than that though... my Christmas was freaking awesome.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

My New iPod Micro

Merry Christmas

2005-12-23T09:57:00.000-06:00

I would like to wish everyone that is a faithful reader of The Life a very Merry Christmas.

And if you don't believe in Christmas... well, have fun roasting in Hell you pagan bastard.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

P.S. Happy New Year, too! (And if you don't follow the western calendar, may you die a slow and painful death in the year "2006" or whatever year is next on your pathetic and pitiful calendar.)

Long Story Short

2005-12-21T15:39:00.000-06:00

Apologies to McSweeney's and Zhubin Parang, but I just have to tell you this story... I just don't have much time.

Yesterday, I'm in the supermarket getting some cabbage, beef, gnochi, and pancake mix. Anyway, I see one of my best friends looking at the tortilla shelf picking them up, smelling them, and putting them back down. I walked over and asked her what she was doing and apparently, if you smell tortillas you can tell whether they are fresh or not. So, I start picking up the tortillas and giving them a good whiff. Anyway, long story short, my underwear got stuck in the truck's pistons and I had to run home naked.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Sometimes you feel like a nut...

2005-12-19T17:43:00.000-06:00

So, this morning I just got back from the Lou... That would be St. Louis... not the bathroom... and anyway, I go in to check on my potato chip that is shaped like a pinkie toe that looks like a banana and it's gone.

I have looked all over for the freaking thing and its disappearance is driving me crazy. What happened to it? I asked myself.

Then I walk outside and look at Snuffuluffugus's poo... and yep... there it is.

That little bastard.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Moving Some Stuff

2005-12-14T00:38:00.000-06:00

Well, folks... I'm moving some of my stuff to St. Louis this week. I'll be in and out, but I'll be out more than in.

So, just keep that in mind, when you come around these parts.

Also, FYI, I found a potato chip yesterday in the shape of a pinkie toe that is shaped like a banana. Thinking about selling it on Ebay.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Itchy Feet

2005-12-11T11:39:00.000-06:00

Man... last night, I awoke in the middle of the night and my feet itched like crazy.

I lay awake for a couple hours just itching them, because that's what I thought it called for. Eventually, I put moisturizer on them and that helped a little. I was finally able to fall back asleep.

Anyway, this morning I wake up, and I apparently scatched my entire left foot off. And my right foot? Perfect. It feels like a million dollars.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

FYI

2005-12-08T11:25:00.000-06:00

I love toast. I especially love it with peanut butter on top. I especially love it even more when it's tasty wheat toast with peanut butter on top. And I love natrual style peanut butter. I love mixing in that oil at the top (It makes me feel like I created my own peanut butter). And I love the American Roofing System. And most of all, I love you, Felicity VanGluteus.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Packing

2005-12-07T13:09:00.000-06:00

I'm sitting here packing up my stuff. I don't have much left since I had to sell most of my possessions (including my kidney and my left thumbnail), but I'm packing what I do have.

Anyway, I got distracted. I made one of the boxes into a little house. I cut out windows and drew flowers next to the "front door". On the inside, I drew some stuff, like a picture on the wall and a couch and fireplace. The fireplace makes it quite cozy.

Whoever said living in a cardboard box is not very nice must not have the same interior decorating skills that I inherited from my Great-Grandmother.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Breakfast in Hell+

2005-12-05T11:08:00.000-06:00

In response to RevRee's post about Not Serving Breakfast in Hell... I found convincing proof that that is not true.

Take a look:

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Sorry

2005-12-05T10:36:00.000-06:00

Sorry for my absence of late... as I said in my previous post I've been very busy. However, what I didn't tell you was the real reason I've been busy.

First of all, it didn't take that long to get my money back for the boxers. However, I was talking on the phone. I was talking on the phone with a woman. Her name is Felicity VanGluteus.

Folks, I think I am in love. There's just one problem, Felicity lives in St. Louis. I've only been to St. Louis once and that was to see if the Arch had a roof. (It didn't... at least not one with shingles... kind of disappointing.)

Anyway, so yesterday Felicity and I talked for 25 hours all in one day. Considering my life here is in a state of flux, because of the failure of my Shoe-Brellas... I've decided to move on from Alberta. I'm heading to St. Louis to begin a-new.

Not quite sure where I'm going to live. I've placed a call to the Arch to see if they have any apartments in that thing... they should... I mean if it just stands there with no real purpose that would be amazingly stupid.

Anyway, I'm in the process of packing up my apartment. I will try and keep you updated on me and my travels the best I can.

Wish me luck!

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

From the Archives

2005-11-30T10:05:00.000-06:00

Been pretty busy lately. Got my boxers in the mail yesterday and there was a huge hole in the butt! I was pretty disappointed... I just thought they were supposed to look like they had a hole in the butt... not actually have one. Anyway, I've been dealing with the company that sent them to me, but they won't refund my money. I'm on the phone with them pretty much 24/7, so other than that nothing much has happened in my life. So, I decided to pull a post from the archives.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

A couple things never to say to a weather person:

1) Did you order this nice/bad weather?
2) Must be nice to have a job that you never have to be right in. (It's not witty, I've heard it a million times before.)
3) I remember that time when you guys (doesn't matter if it was actually me or my station) said that it was going to (insert weather here) and it didn't.
4) I watch you every morning. (When I work nights... or vice versa)
5) My Cousin Ned is your neighbor. (Ned lives two miles away and has never met me.)
6) I wish I had a job where I could be right 50% of the time. (See #2)
7) How much do you make? (It's very awkward when I have to tell them I make $1,250,000 a year)
8) What's the weather gonna be? (giggle giggle)
9) My child is doing a weather project on [the high, low, and rain and snow for Timbuktu for the past 3 months] can you get me this data?
10) Why is your forecast different than the one on the weather channel? (Because the Weather Channel is stupid... and I am smart.)

Sorry!

2005-11-28T19:53:00.000-06:00

Here are my new boxers.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

New Boxers

2005-11-28T09:59:00.000-06:00

I got some new underwear today.

What do you think?

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Nintendo

2005-11-26T11:27:00.000-06:00

Some parts of this video are a little laborious, but overall it's pretty funny. It reminds me of my childhood in Australia and my time of playing the Nintendo. It was $100 and I saved up all my own money to buy one. Take a look:

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

That's it!

2005-11-26T11:09:00.001-06:00

Over the past couple of months, I have fought long and hard against Anonymous. I can take them no longer though. The last post concerning getting a Santa Suit was enough to make me vomit. Is nothing sacred? Now, we've sunk to a new low of spamming to get people to buy Santa Suits.

Further, if Mindy is correct, The Life has been black-listed because of Anonymous and Santa Claus Suit's stupid posts concerning Santa Suits.

I am sorry to say, but from this point forward, you will have to enter a code in order to reply. At least for a little while... perhaps when Anonymous forget about me I can turn them off.

May the Lord have mercy on Anonymous and Santa Claus Suits, but I'd rather He damned Anonymous to Hell. Have fun roastin' in your Santa Suit you filthy bastard.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

I'm Back

2005-11-25T13:14:00.000-06:00

Just got back from Australia. A really quick visit, but Mother and I had a lot of fun. It's spring-time in Australia right now, so we got the chance to do a lot of warm weather activities. It made me miss warm weather even more than I already did. I've gotten a couple nibbles from stations in the southwest with job openings, so I'm just weighing my options.

Anyway, Mother McBoob and I got the chance to go swimming. It was loads of fun! Here's a picture I snagged of Mother as we looked for a place to set up camp.

She said she had a good time with you Mighty...

yech.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Thanksgiving

2005-11-21T08:08:00.000-06:00

I'm heading on vacation for a couple of days for Thanksgiving. I'm going to Australia to see Mother. I'm boarding the plane right now. I'll be back on Thanksgiving... A lot of plane riding, but to get some of Mother McBoob's famous horseradish cranberry stuffing, I'll do it!

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Living Arrangement

2005-11-19T09:56:00.000-06:00

Since I lost out on the mansion because of my invention, it hasn't been easy to adjust to my new living arrangements. The mansion had about 10 rooms, each of which I assigned a different category. One was for sleeping, one was for cooking, another was for karate, another for gymnastics, another for napping, another for women, another for collection of pictures of the American Roofing System.... and then a few others like I had one for living, which I called the livingroom.

Anyway, I'm down to one bedroom now and I share a community restroom with a few other folks. I've also got all of the Shoe-Brellas in storage, so I have to pay for that as well.

Hopefully, I'll be able to get back on my feet soon. Still no word from Wal-Mart.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Falling on Hard Times

2005-11-17T14:59:00.000-06:00

As many of you know, I live in a mansion in Alberta... and I make a few million dollars a year. Lately though, I invested much of that money into a developing, patenting, and manufacturing a new invention. I call the invention, "Shoe-Brella". It's a pretty simple device, but one that I thought would revolutionize a rainy day and the fashion industry. Well, back in August, I got the patent approved for the "Shoe-Brella". Patent Number 12ABOP392.2.

Needless to say, I was pretty darn excited. I immidiately went into the production phase of my invention. The company that I went through and I produced about 50,000 Shoe-Brellas for sale across the United States and Canada. I was pretty sure I could find a large market in Portland and Seattle. It rains a lot there, so the Shoe-Brella should be in high demand throughout that entire region. When I went to sell the product to area store, no one was overly interested. I gave out a few hundred samples and many places said they would call me back.

That was a month and a half ago and not one person has ordered more Shoe-Brellas. It is pretty dis-heartening, to say the least. I'm still keeping my hopes up. Next week, I'm taking a few samples to southern Califonia.

Anyway, I'm pretty much financially ruined, unless someone starts buying the Shoe-Brella en masse. I've moved out of my mansion and I'm living in an apartment pretty close to the station. Hopefully, my fortunes will turn around and my fortune will increase once again. We'll find out someday.

Just wanted to let you all know. Please pray that people will find the Shoe-Brella useful. I mean, it's very useful... one of the number one complaints when it rains is wet feet and now there is a way to protect your shoes and your feet.

The Shoe-Brella. Working Hard to Keep Your Feet Dry-ella.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

The World As We Know It

2005-11-16T16:24:00.000-06:00

As you might not know, I've been kind of disenfranchised with Alberta lately. I've been thinking about making my move to somewhere a tad nicer, both in the climate and in other things. However, I haven't been able to decide where I actually want to go. I have many options, but none of them seem to be as awesome as Canada. Anyway, I'm hoping you folks can help me out and suggest to me some awesome places for me to move. Let me know.

Anyway, apparently the Albertan press got ahold of my Canadian dissatisfaction and they have taken action. Last night I got a call from the Prime Minister of Canada, Paul Martin. Only problem was that I had no idea who Paul Martin was.

"Helo Frank. This is Paul Martin."
"Oh. Hello."
"How are you doing this evening?"
"Good."
"That's great. Listen, I've heard you're thinking about leaving Canada."
"um. Ok."
"I just want you to know that I along with..."
"Wait wait wait. Who the hell is this?"
"Paul Martin. The Prime Minister of Canada."
"Prime Minister?"
"Yes."
"I've never heard of you before."
"Oh. I... um... you..."
"Canada has a Prime Minister? So, you're kind of the Queen's honky tonk?"
"The Queen? of England? No... not at all."

The conversation continued in a similar manner for about an hour. I didn't even know we had a Prime Minister... let alone... I had never even heard of a Paul Martin. Poor chap. He kind of reminded me as the Creepy King from the BK Commercials. I'm pretty sure that I might wake up with him in my bed tomorrow and he doesn't say anything and just smiles...

I wonder if President Bush makes fun of him. I would.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Being Pregnant

2005-11-14T22:48:00.000-06:00

I randomly found a blog with this lady that is pregnant.

I am glad I am not pregnant and glad that I never will be... but God bless her! Tonight she made apple pie with margarita mix, just hours after puking her brain out and popping blood vessels in her eyes. Now, that is true motherhood.

My Baby Daze

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Maps

2005-11-14T09:37:00.000-06:00

Sometimes when I'm bored, I take out my book of maps and look at them and then I will randomly point to a spot on some random state map and that's where I'll go for my next vacation.

Yesterday, I got lucky and pointed to Condon, Montana. That's pretty close to my current location, so I hopped into my car and set out for this thriving metropolis.

Needless to say, I was a tad disappointed in the metropolis part, but the beauty part was amazing.

I walked into town and stuck my head into a saloon.

"Howdy partner." I said in my best Montana accent.
"I don't think he's from around here boys." said the bartender. Then the entire bar just stared at me and they got up and started walking toward me. I was pretty sure I was going to get eaten, so I peed my pants. In truth, they all just wanted to shake my hand and buy me a beer. So, there I sat, in Condon Montana with pee on my leg and drinking beer with the locals. They didn't seem to mind the urine smell thankgoodness.

Anyway, I'm back home now and I'd like to send my thanks to Condon. I'd also like to send my love to Lil' Miss Janey Poo...

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

He Was Injured.

2005-11-11T20:09:00.000-06:00

Well, we've been looking for a new health insurance provider at work recently and I really want the TV station to go with Blue Cross Blue Shield. I was leaning toward, some other companies but then I saw a commercial that friend sent me.

Click on the logo to see more:

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

From the Archives

2005-11-11T19:10:00.000-06:00

I've been pretty busy lately... Yesterday, I had to work 27 hours in a row... so anyway I went back to my old blog and found something from the archives. Hopefully, I'll have time to post more tomorrow.

Roses Really Smell Like Urine

So... a common problem for a man is dribble. You go pee and you dribble a little bit on your boxers when you are done. This happens because you are absolutely certain you're finished urinating, but when you put your peepee back in its home it lets out a couple of tears.

This happened to me yesterday. I was like, "Man... I hate it when that happens." It doesn't happen to often, but every once in a while. It gets really annoying.

A couple hours later, I'm standing at the main anchors' desks. They're looking over a script I have just produced. All of a sudden, I start smelling urine. The stench is strong. I'm thinking, I dribbled, but not THAT much. I mean, this urine smells. I start getting all self-conscious. I walk into the bathroom and into the stall and try to smell myself... but I can't.

Do I smell like urine? Did I pee on myself to the point that I now have to walk around with a urine stench wherever I go? This could ruin me. For months and years, people will talk about how Frank McBoob smells like urine.

I walk back out into the newsroom... all worried and I walk by the anchor desk again. THERE IT IS!! I smell like urine again! Then I notice a large bouquet of flowers on the desk.

They are roses... and after a couple of days (I don't know if you know this), but roses kind of get a urine smell to them... It was the roses the entire time! I really don't smell like urine.

Whew.

Sincerely,
Frank McBoob

Cool Weather

2005-11-09T10:00:00.000-06:00

A cold front went through yesterday... It was actually kind of nice before the front went through... our temperatures were in the mid teens and the winds was barely blowing. Now that the cold front greeted us, our temps are about fifty degrees colder. I know... it's pretty darn cold. Even Snuffulufugus is cold and I've put on his entire winter outfit and let him ride around the yard in his truck so his feetsies stay warm.

Hopefully it will warm up soon.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Pita Chips

2005-11-08T12:17:00.000-06:00

I love pita chips. I think they are absolutely the greatest thing that God ever created. Even better than the personal computer.

Anyway, so I was at the grocery store and I happened upon the aisle of pita chips. I was in heaven (The grocery store is called Heaven's FoodStore... so I really was). There are so many kinds of pita chips... Pesto and Sundried Tomato, Parmesan, Bacon & Cheddar, Honey Mustard, Sour Cream & Onion, Tomato-Basil Parmesan, Hot & Spicy, and I could go on an on, but I won't.

So, I'm standing there trying to figure out which kind of Pita Chip I should purchase. It's a very important decision. And then I see this:

Cinnamon Maple Sugar

Sounds decent right? I like cinnamon and I like sugar... so I thought "What the heck... I'll go for it."

Those damned things were the nastiest incarnation of pita chips I have ever tasted. Basically, someone took pancakes, drizzled way too much syrup on them, and then dried them out and called the pita chips. I took one bite and vomited all over the car and on the road and in my house. Vomiting over and over again. Disgusting...Iknow... I mean who makes a pita chip that tastes like pancakes.

Anyway, pita chips affect my mood greatly... so know I'm raging all the time. Yesterday, I killed a man.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

What?!?

2005-11-06T23:36:00.000-06:00

Sometimes when I post, I go back and read what I posted a couple days after... and sometimes I'm just amazed by how interesting I am and how wonderful of a person I am.

This is not the case tonight though. The reason? This:

If the snow overhangs were opium, I'd call Alberta Afghanistan. They're not though, so I'll just kill it Alberta, even when I do extinguish the Taliban.

What the heck does that mean? Does anyone have any idea of what I was trying to say? I don't. Oh well.

I did get this email once... I forwarded it on... but nothin'. Doesn't really matter though, I've got all the money I need.

Well Folks,
I just got an Email from Former President William Jefferson Clinton. He says that if I forward this email to 2,392,393 people, I can get money. I couldn't believe it, so like a blind mice I am starting to send it out.

Trust me this works. I called a friend who knows a friend who looks like another friend of mine and he forwarded it to a ton of people and Bill Clinton sent him money!

I went to a friend's house after I got the message and asked them concerning this message they had sent me. And what did they do? They pulled out a package President Clinton sent and inside the package sat $23,293 in cash!!!!!! I know.

What do you do? Just email this message to everyone you know. If you don't, you're probably going to hell. Also, make sure that you eat an apple and run around your house three times after you send this. Bill Clinton knows if you did or not, so you better do this. If you don't eat an apple and run around your house three times, then you will be forced to move to Antarctica. Bill Clinton has the power to do that.

You're going to be rich. I'm going to be rich. We're all going to be rich, because Bill Clinton can track all of these Emails using his special tracking software that only Bill Clinton has.

Good luck.... I need a new car!

Frank McBoob

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

My Return

2005-11-05T23:38:00.000-06:00

Well, I just got back from Santa Fe... what a trip! On the way down there, I stopped at some villages in the Rocky Mountains and they had cool roofs too. Very steep... lets the snow fall off them easier.

Do you know one of my favorite things about roofs and snow? When you get those big overhangs, where the snow clings to the roof for dear life. I love 'em. They remind me of my hangnails... Kind of... sort of... well... not really. Oh well. Anyway, that's why I love it here in Alberta (one of the main reasons I moved here really). We've got those overhangs all over the place. If the snow overhangs were opium, I'd call Alberta Afghanistan. They're not though, so I'll just kill it Alberta, even when I do extinguish the Taliban.

With that said though, I'm actually getting pretty bored up here in Canada. My trip to Santa Fe really opened my eyes to how nice it is not to freeze to death everytime I walk out the door. I've started sending resumes to other places trying to find a warmer job. Granted I've got a great contract making a few mill up here, but I've got to get out. I feel like a 90 year old hooker at a senior citizen home right after the pharmacy run. It's fun to start, but after awhile someone's gonna have a heart attack.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Vacation Time!!

2005-11-01T23:43:00.000-06:00

Good news folks... I just got in the mail today my train tickets to goto Santa Fe. Many of you know my love and fascination with the American Roofing System. Santa Fe has some AWESOME roofs... and even though I've been to Santa Fe before, I'm going back. It should be a pretty good time.

Anyway, I leave tomorrow morning in the morning first traing out of Alberta and then I'm on my way all the way south. It's a fast train and I won't be spending much time in Santa Fe... so I think I'll be back by Sunday... perhaps even Saturday.

Snuffulufugus is going with me. He doesn't have to wear his cone as much, but still every once in awhile. He's got another vet appointment on Monday, so I have to be back by then. They said they might have to put a tube in his rear-end to help with the swelling... I'm serious!

Talk to you guys sooner, rather than later.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Now I'm sick! (and Halloween)

2005-10-31T15:16:00.000-06:00

I think I have mono. Good thing I haven't kissed anyone in awhile... I have a sore throat and I'm tired. Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean I have mono. Once I had all of the symptoms of mono, but had a blood test done and it was some other virus that acts like mono, but isn't. Crazy... I know.

Anyway, I haven't gone to the doctors. I hope I am feeling better tomorrow. I'm going trick-or-treating tomorrow. I called up to the station today and told them I didn't feel well and that I wouldn't be able to trick-or-treat today. I call upon a personal favor of some of the crew up there... anyway, they're going to tell everyone tonight at 5 and 6 that halloween has been postponed one day. Then I'll get to go tomorrow.

Sometimes it really pays to work in this business. I don't know if you've seen The Weatherman or not, but that's what I'm going as. Nicolas Cage in the movie the Weatherman. So, when people ask me, the conversation will go something like this:
"What are you?"
"I'm Nicolas Cage in the movie The Weatherman."
"So you're a weathman?"
"No, you freaking idiot. I'm Nicolas Cage in the move The Weatherman. GOD!! WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID!"

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Snuffulufugus Update

2005-10-29T23:07:00.000-05:00

Well, last night Snuffulufugus had a pretty bad night. I had to take him to the vet's office in the middle of the night. His swollen butt, got a little too swollen. I'll leave it at that, without going into any more details.

Anyway, he's got his new halloween costume. He's not a big fan of it. I call it "Snuffulufugus from Outer Space". However, I can tell by his look he calls it "Snuffulufugus would Kick Frank's *** If He Didn't Have This Big Stupid Bowl Strapped To His Neck." In response I ask him whether he's got any good radio stations he's picking up. At that point he just shows me his raw rear-end and walks away cussing.

I tried to tell him, it's for his own good, but he won't listen to me.

Everyone pray for the mutt... and please do not be alarmed by the above picture, which I found while doing research on Snuffulufugus's new head strapped satellite dish.

Even Snuffulufugus thought that that was funny.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Poker

2005-10-28T22:14:00.000-05:00

Me and a couple friends got together for poker night at the McBoob mansion.

Crazy Alberta!!

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Snuffulufugus

2005-10-28T16:31:00.000-05:00

Snuffulufugus is sick right now. I'm quite worried. If you'll remember from a couple of days ago, I mentioned that Snuffulufugus wore tighty whities/whitey tighties... well, apparently dogs are not supposed to do that!

He's got some type of rear-end infection. He's having a tough time sitting down and can't relieve himself from his posterior very easy.

I made a vet appointment, but there aren't very many animal doctors in Canada... so I can't get in there until Monday morning. Until then, everyone please say a prayer that that his swelling goes down some. Thanks!

Also, got one of the two emails I was waiting for. News in the email was so-so. I'll know more next week hopefully.

I chose hairstyle number two. Thanks to Bridget for responding, but thanks to no one for helping me choose. May God damn you to hell for your inactivity in replying.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

p.s. Kidding about that damning to hell thing... I think you guys are swell... just like Snuffulufugus's butt.

Email Again And Hair

2005-10-27T15:05:00.000-05:00

I found out that the email I was waiting for probably won't arrive in my inbox until Monday at the earliest. Thank goodness.

However, I sent another email and that reply could change my life too... but on that one I don't have a reply yet either. Shnikeys! These people need to learn that I'm more important than anything they could ever have going on in their lives! I AM FRANK U. MCBOOB...Gosh dangit.

Anyway, I've got the day off work. I'm not working on anything at all. It's wonderful. I do have to get my haircut soon. Does anyone have a suggestion of which style I should choose? Here are a couple of ideas:

(1)

(2)

(3)

Let me know.

Sincerely,
Frank U. Mcboob

Ties & Suits

2005-10-26T19:31:00.000-05:00

Has anyone ever thought about ties before? Seriously... what's the freaking point of a tie? Who came up with this stupid idea. Everything else you wear at least has some type of purpose.

Underwear - Extra protection and layer to protect the McBoob jewels. (I wear tighty whities... and so does Snuffulufugus... just fyi.)

Shirt - Covers man boobs and keeps you warm.

Undershirt - Provides extra protection for manboobs.

Pants - Covers legs and provides extra protection for McBoob jewels.

Shoes - Makes sure your feet don't get cut up with glass and dirty narcotic needles.

Socks - Makes your feet a little less stinky by absorbing sweat, which you can discard into the clothes hamber. Socks are also good for... nevermind.

Watch - Tells you what time it is and reminds you that someday you will die.

Tie - ??!?!??

No purpose. It's just hanging there with absolutely no purpose at all. I think they're stupid, yet I'm forced to wear one. When it comes to men's clothing, you should not have to wear anything without an explicit purpose. Basically, I blame this all on the women. However, I still love them... in a strictly sexual way.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Email

2005-10-24T14:06:00.000-05:00

I'm waiting for a very important email. It is not coming.

It could change my life, but it isn't here yet and it's making me go crazy!

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

I'm Back

2005-10-24T13:18:00.000-05:00

Sorry that I haven't posted much lately, I've been pretty busy. I also has a long-time friend come in from Pasadena for a visit. He's not little, old, or a lady though.

Anyway, we had a good time. We actually took shots of some nasty wine and played tic-tac-toe all night long. We got really wasted. So, wasted, that I stripped down to my underwear and swung around on my cieling fan yelling "The T.V. is psycho!" (The Gong Show was on.)

He's gone now... and I'm all alone. It's pretty chilly here in Alberta... but hopefully it will warm up by July.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Eating Glue

2005-10-19T15:38:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I ate glue. I've never done that, not even when I was in the second grade.

However, I must say. It actually tasted pretty darn good. Sure sure... There are stereotypes when it comes to glue eating, but stereotypes are just very rude. I am completely normal and if I want to eat horse's hooves... then let me! okay?!?

Anyway, if you'll excuse me... I need to go pick my nose.

(HA! You guys totally believed that I was going to pick my nose! Cause you were like, "Well, he does eat glue... so he must be going to pick his nose. Well, you'd be totally wrong! I was never going to pick my nose... you guys are just horrible human beings for just assuming! HORRIBLE!)

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Featured

2005-10-18T10:08:00.000-05:00

Apparently Frank U. McBoob: The Life was featured in an article one Adweek.com in their blog section.

Flash: Adweek Mentions McBoob

Very exciting.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Updates

2005-10-18T09:54:00.000-05:00

Sorry that I haven't been updating everyday. I've been pretty busy lately. Here are a couple reasons why:

1) Snuffulufugus got real sick yesterday and pooped EVERYWHERE. It took a while to clean up... especially washing the cieling was difficult (And disgusting).
2) I ran out of gas on the way to work. The Hummer drank a little too much a little too quick. Anyway, I had to walk to work and on the way I got attacked by a pack of penguins. Perhaps you have seen "March of the Penguins"... well they're pretty intense little fellas and almost killed me. Luckily though, I killed them first. Sad.
3) I was putting my shoe on my left foot and my shoe horn broke and stabbed me in the right pinkie toe. Luckily, the pinkie toe isn't overly important... it'll be okay in a matter of weeks.
4) I had a stalker.
5) I took a picture of the full moon and when I got it developed I noticed a flying saucer. The next morning Will Smith showed up on my doorstep. He's an ass.
6) I ate breakfast yesterday and when I got done, I came up with the most amazing thought ever... It was one of those thoughts that will change the world when the masses hear it. Therefore, I will tell you my thought right now... Here it is:

...

SHOOT! Snuffulufugus just got sick again! I've got to go clean the showerhead and the cupboard above the fridge now! My world changing thought will have to wait. SORRY!

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Walking On Water

2005-10-15T09:26:00.000-05:00

The walking on water thing actually went pretty well. I did get a little wet, but overall I suceeded in my goal.

However, I did have problems listening to Shakira. I couldn't get my iPod Micro to work right... instead I listened to Jessica Simpson A close second in my list of "Most Awesome Singers Ever".

In the end though... I sank. I was walking out to meet someone in the middle of the lake and right before I got there I fell in. The water was bitterly cold. Ice chunks were floating all around me... they had to call a rescue helicopter to come get me out of the lake... It was INTENSE!

Luckily though... I didn't die... I've done that before and it is NOT fun.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Baseball

2005-10-12T22:50:00.000-05:00

What a strange sport you Americans and Candians play. Baseball??!

I watched some of tonight's American League Championship Series and I must say it was very entertaining.

However, the final inning was a bit dull... Seriously? What's the big hub-ub?

I'm tired tonight, sorry that this post is so short. I do have some good news though... I'm going to walk on water tomorrow while eating a B.L.T. and listening to Shakira on my iPod. It should be interesting... I'll let you know how it all goes.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

BK Commercial ... Again

2005-10-11T12:28:00.000-05:00

I thought we had gotten rid of the creepy BK commercials. If I have to see that creepy, plastic king face stare at me through my television I am going to freak out.

It has traumatized me once before and it's traumatizing me again. This time the stupid king is log-rolling with his buddy. Perhaps his buddy should realize that the creepy King just served him a nasty breakfast sandwich. And that the creepy King just randomly appeared in the middle of a deserted forrest.

If I were to ever chop down a tree to find the creepy King standing behind it with a nasty sandwich on a silver platter... well I would all of a sudden have a new use for my saw. And that would be the end of those commercials.

Even though I do not like how oatmeal tastes in my mouth or looks to my eyes, you should really wake up with some oatmeal. Anyway, the Quaker Oats guy and I got in on a little action....

Thanks to Fark.com for this great image.

I've attached my previous altercation with the king to the bottom of this post.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Previous Post Concerning Creepy King:

I have been traumatized. I turned on the television and decided to watch a little bit of the boob tube.. (I like to call the it the McBoob tube though).

I am enjoying myself, laughing heartily at America's Funniest Home Video and My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss.

Then I see it.. the commercial that has haunted me ever since.

A man waking up in bed and finding a gigantic Burger King in bed with him. NO! I'm not talking about a big restaurant, I'm talking about a king of burgers!!! Oh man! The head on this Burger King was gigantic and plastic and didn't move. It just smiled... creepily... and smiled.... creepily. Freak nuts! Then both the guy in bed and this gigantic headed burger king start laughing.

I don't know about you, but if I ever find a giant headed damned burger king in my bed, I'm going to beat the hell out of it. I would not stop to laugh with it. HAVE YOU SEEN ITS CREEPY SMILE?!?!? Anyway, I would take the touch lamp thats at the side of my bed and just beat him with it. GETOUTOFMYBED!!! It would be a very creepy scene, because every time I hit him the lamp would get brighter and brighter and then turn off... turn back on... get brighter and brighter... turn off. If I beat him fast enough, it would be a strobe effect. Which would be freaky... but it would serve him right for making me wake up with him.

So... in the end. No, I will not wake up with Burger King.

Sincerely,
Frank McBoob

I used to be fat...

2005-10-10T11:35:00.000-05:00

Don't know if anyone here knows this (I'm sure some of you do), but I used to be quite fat. One of my friends was talking about whether it was socially acceptable to wear only sweatpants.

Unfortunately, it's not. I could only fit into sweatpants when I was fat. I couldn't even fit into a shirt... I wore a tarp. I just wrapped the tarp around my body and then moved really fast through crowds of people. I did this for two reasons, 1) I was embarrassed that I was so fat that I had to wear sweatpants and a tarp and 2) I was hoping if I went fast, no one would notice that my shirt was actually just a tarp wrapped around my body.

Unfortunately, it didn't work... I ran over two people and injured them and once I started a stampede because people were freaked out that the family tent could run.

In the end, I lost weight. Thank goodness.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

No More Than 10 Items

2005-10-09T14:05:00.001-05:00

Perhaps one of the biggest problems I have in this world are those people that think they can go to the express lane no matter what.

The rules say "No More than 10 Items" and guess what... that means you can not have anymore things in your cart than 10 items. Sometimes, I will be a little leniant, if the person in front of me has 11 or 12... that's fine.

The point of this lane is EXPRESS. That's why it's called the Express Lane and that's why grocery stores have invoked the "No More than 10 Items" rule. If you have more than 10 items it is no longer express and they would call it the "Not Very Express Lane" or the "Almost an Express Lane if People Would Please Not Bring More than 10 Items". With that said, it's not a request, it's a rule.

So, needless to say, when I went to the store today and I had one item, I wanted to go quickly. I thought, "hmm.. the express lane is made just for me in this situation." However, the stupid lady in front of me had more than 10 items... she clearly had more than 10 items... I quickly glanced at her cart and I could immidiately tell she had more than 10 items. In fact, the register had a little counter of the total number of items and you know how many she had? 25!!! I'm not joking, this stupid person thought they could sneak by an extra 15 items.

Well, needless to say, this McBoob wasn't happy with her.

"Excuse me," I said. "Do you know this is an express lane? In fact, inches above your head it says No More than 10 Items..."
She stared at me.
"I mean," I said. "You're really slowing everyone down. I'm probably going to miss my hair appointment now."
She continues staring at me.
"I mean," I said. "You're probably the most inconsiderate, stupid, and ugliest person I have ever met."
Then she started crying... but everyone around me agreed. They all started cheering and clapping and chanting "McBoob... McBoob... McBoooooob!"

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Things are looking up...

2005-10-08T23:16:00.000-05:00

Got called into the boss's office yesterday. Good news. My Q Ratings are through the roof. Over 90% of people in Alberta know Frank McBoob and almost all of them think I am the coolest person in Alberta. Those who do know me, but do not think I am the coolest person, are probably those that watch my competition (Shirley O'Weather... personally I think she changed her last name to match her weather profession... that b).

Anyway, my boss wanted to talk about my contract status. He wants me to sign for another 5 years. I'm already signed through 2007. The new contract is very lucrative... basically they're going to pay me double what I'm making. I know, pretty amazing considering I make millions now... but when you're a star like me they'll pay to make sure you stick around.

In the end though, I turned the contract down. My boss was wearing a tie with button down collars and that just annoys the hell out of me... and there is no way I can work for someone through 2012 that wears a button down collar with a tie. YECH!

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob
(Does anyone miss Frank's Friend Money Tracker Total? I sure do... dang google.)

Freaking Freezing

2005-10-07T14:43:00.000-05:00

Something you might not realize about Alberta, but it gets very cold very quickly around here. Over the past couple of days our temperatures have dropped an amazing 110 degrees. Needless to say, right now it's freaking freezing.

I walked out of my mansion today drinking a cup of Joe and as I raised it to my lips it was frozen. Frozen to death. Very sad.

Joe's funeral will be on Tuesday.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Tired

2005-10-06T14:42:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when you are tired you start seeing things that really aren't there. For example, this morning when I was driving to work, I saw a person standing in the middle of the road, so I slammed on my brakes. It wasn't a person at all!! It was a giraffe. Let me tell you... I'd rather have seen a person.

So, anyway, I pulled out around the giraffe and continued on my way... and look right in front of me I saw a civil war soldier. I was like "Frank... don't slow down... that civil war soldier isn't there for real, you're just super tired." So, I kept goin. Then WHAM.

Ooops. It wasn't a civil war soldier... it was actually Abraham Lincoln. AND I KILLED HIM.

Please keep this a secret.

Thanks.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Outrage in Alberta

2005-10-05T11:21:00.000-05:00

I was driving to work today... and I saw something that I could NOT believe. How can they get away with this?
Completely bad taste...
Unfortunately, for me, there were no discounts for back hair.

Dang.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Oh No...Sorry Friend...

2005-10-04T16:26:00.000-05:00

Bad news for my friend that I was raising money for. Apparently, it was against the rules. You may notice that "Frank U. McBoob: The Life" is now advertisement free. I would like to thank all of those that worked hard to raise money for my poor friend. However, Google gave me an order to stop it, so the ads are now gone.

Take a look:

Dear Frank U. McBoob:
It has come to our attention that invalid clicks have been generated on
the Google ads on your site(s). We have therefore disabled your Google
AdSense account. Please understand that this step was taken in an
effort to protect the interest of the AdWords advertisers.

A publisher's site may not have invalid clicks on any ad(s), including
but not limited to clicks generated by:

- a publisher on his own web pages
- a publisher encouraging others to click on his ads
- automated clicking programs or any other deceptive software
- a publisher altering any portion of the ad code or changing the
layout, behavior, targeting, or delivery of ads for any reason

Oh well. Thanks for all of your hard work, before they caught on, we had made over $20 for my friend. You guys are wonderful people, truly you are.

May each and everyone one of you that clicked on an ad be blessed and win 20 million dollars... or at least find a quarter on your car seat. That rocks!

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Jelly Belly

2005-10-03T11:39:00.000-05:00

Folks,
The other day I was on the Jelly Belly website and if you fill out a quiz about Jelly Bellys you get some in the mail. I was like, what the heck, I'll fill it out.

So, I answered all the questions about which Jelly Bellys were real flavors and which were not. Then today in the mail, WHAM! there they were. Like a shining beacon of sugary goodness, they stared up at me.

"Eat us Frank!" they yelled. "Eat us now!"

I was like, "Okay!" So, I grabbed them up and ripped the package open as I walked inside.

I reached in a grabbed out a shingy, sugary white one. I'm not racist, that's just the first flavor I grabbed.

I put it in my mouth. I bit down on it. I screamed in disgust and spit it out.

WHO FREAKING MAKES A SUGARY CANDY TRY AND TASTE LIKE POPCORN?!?! You freaking IDIOTS!

I vomited twice and washed my mouth out with soap to get the flavor out of there.

Nasty.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

P.S. Frank's Friend Money Tracker Total:

$19.75
Just $0.25 to go!

A Bad Taste in my Mouth

2005-10-02T11:53:00.000-05:00

Have you ever woken up to find a really bad taste in your mouth? I always wonder... why do I have a bad taste in my mouth this morning... but not any other morning?

It truly is a mystery that science cannot solve. Since it cannot be solved, it is proof of God.

That's what I think anyway... bad taste in mouth = no science of why = only God can put it there

If you need anymore philosophical thoughts, let me know.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

P.S. Frank Friend Money Tracker Total:

$19.23
Can we break $20 today?!?!

A Stalker, Stripper, and a 10th Grade Biology Teacher

2005-10-01T09:02:00.000-05:00

Things couldn't be better in the day and life of Frank McBoob. However, I present the following story:

Yesterday, I'm walking down the street and a loyal viewer runs over.

"Frank?!?! Frank McBoob!?!"
"Why yes... it is me." I say with a smile.
"Frank, I am just the biggest fan of you."
"Well, thanks for watching."

Then I got to thinking, what if this guy is a stalker? What if he hangs pictures of me on his walls and worships them before he goes to bed? What if he kisses my pictures? So I say to him.. I says:

"Are you crazy?!?!"
"Excuse me?" he says.
"Are you a stalker?"
"What? No!"

Then I get to thinking... you know what. He's probably not a stalker. Just a very nice guy. Well, then I think... nice guys... many nice guys are really annoying and are usually 10th grade biology teachers (don't ask me why, but it's the truth). So, I say to him, I says:

"Oh. Sorry... I just thought maybe you were. I know your not. I'm just kiddin'!"
"Oh. All right. It's okay."
"So, how's class going these days?"
"Class? What do you mean?"
"Well, you're a nice guy... so biology class... kids are probably annoying sometimes."
"What the hell are you talking about?"

Then it struck me. He's definitely not a biology teacher. He's definitely something else. So, I say to him, I says:

"Nothing. It's probably tough work being a stripper though."

He just stares at me. Then he says:

"I hate you."

And he turns around and runs away. Man that guy was strange.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

P.S. Frank's Friend Money Tracker Total:

$18.62

Beer

2005-09-30T16:29:00.000-05:00

Earlier today, I went to get a beer. It was the earliest I have every drank a beer. 11:30am. I'm serious. I'm not drunk though. I've got quite the tolerance. In fact, I drank five beers in twenty minutes and I didn't even feel it. Well, I did feel it, in my stomach, but it didn't make me drunk or tipsy at all. Now you know just how much tolerance I have.

I picked up a tip on beer drinking... this is my good friend:

It's the best way to drink when you've got small cups. Then you never have to refill for a very long time.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get a little more beer.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

P.S. Frank's Friend Money Tracker Total:

$17.54

iPod Micro?!?!

2005-09-29T11:30:00.000-05:00

When I saw the iPod Nano come out... I was like "Wowzers! I need that nano!" Think about it.. I can slip it in my pocket and no one would even know. Sure someone might say "Frank, is that an iPod nano in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" and then I would punch them... because that would be a very mean thing to say, considering the nano is the smallest iPod ever.

However, as I was about to go out an purchase a nano, I saw something else and I was like. nu-uh...Nanos suck... I need me a iPod Micro. If you haven't seen the iPodmicro... you need to... so here it is...

It truly is an accomplishment in modern science. Anyway, so I'm eagerly awaiting getting my iPod micro. I can't wait... 1000 songs? That's like one song per 1/100th of a millimeter.

Wow.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

P.s. Frank's Friend Money Total Tracker:

$15.54

Sneeze Guards

2005-09-28T11:23:00.000-05:00

My previous product was not selling very well, so I've got with something new.

Some of you know about my fascination with the American Roofing System. Very cool stuff. I spent quite some time in Buffalo, NY in the past year photographing the roofs there. They're very steep, because of the snow. Anyway, it was awesome. They also have really cools roofs in Santa Fe, if you ever make it out there... let me know.

Anyway, my second hobby (not many of you know this) is sneezeguards. Sure, you think, ya, sneezeguards there's just one type. Au contraire. There are many many types of sneezeguards. So, I got rid of my previous advertising partners (selling those stupid animated faces) and found something I think people really care about. Sneeze guard. One of my favorite models is S295. It's elegant, sleek, yet completely see through. It's awesome.

I mean, for real... I guess sneezeguards are pretty similar to the american roofing system... they are slanted, and they protect stuff inside.. However, roofs are used to keep rain out and sneezeguards are used to keep snot out.

In the end... they are awesome.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

P.S. Frank's Friend Money Total Tracker:'

$9.75

Urgent Weather Alert

2005-09-27T17:30:00.000-05:00

I have an urgent weather alert to pass on to all readers. Typhoon LONGWANG is threatening parts of Asia. If you are in the path of LONGWANG, get out of it. You can not withstand LONGWANG. LONGWANG is too big and strong for you.

Seriously.... This is not a joke... I would not joke about a typhoon named LONGWANG.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

A Great Thing Happened Today

2005-09-27T11:12:00.000-05:00

A great, awesome, and wonderful thing happened today on my way to work.

As you might know, President Bush of the United States of America told everyone to conserve energy yesterday in a press conference. Well, even though I'm currently living in Alberta, I thought... "eh, I've got to sneeze." Then, after I sneezed, I thought, "Now my nose is running like hell." So, I blew my nose and then thought "What was I thinking about?" Then I remembered and thought, "I know I don't live in the USA, but I'll conserve energy too."

So, in response to President Bush, I turned the light switch off on my way out the door. I usually leave it on for my dog, Snuffulufugus. I then jumped into my Hummer and proceeded to goto work.

What great thing happened you ask? Well, I found a Canadian quarter (equal to roughly an American nickel) on the seat of my hummer when I crawled inside it. Sweet.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

P.S. Frank's Friend Money Total Tracker:

$8.96

I Miss My Willy

2005-09-26T15:13:00.000-05:00

Wow. It seems like forever since I've seen Willy. In fact, it has been. I have long since heard rumors of Willy's trip, but ever since then I can't seem to find Willy. I've looked long and hard, but no Willy is to be found.

It's quite sad actually. Willy and I were great friends and now Willy isn't anywhere.

Willy.... Where are you?

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

P.S. Frank's Friend Money Tracker Total:

$8.58

Oops...

2005-09-25T23:12:00.000-05:00

So my forecast for a lot of rain and feets of snow didn't actually come true. It was 75 degrees and sunny. Oh wel... that happens... you know? I said the following on the air to make up for my mistake:

Well folks... you couldn't have asked for a nicer day. Now earlier I got a message from a Mrs. Smith in Alberta. And well, she said some not very nice things to me, because I got the forecast wrong. Well, you know what Mrs. Smith... You can go slam your pinkie finger into a large steel door and then pull out all your upper lip hair with rusty tweezers.

That seemed to clear everything up thank goodness. Anyway, I hope Mrs. Smith was watching, because if she wasn't I don't want to have to go over there and tell those things to her face. Or worse... I don't want to have to go over there and do those two things to her. These Albertans are just crazy.

I just want all of you to know one thing... I love hotdogs and flashlights. That's all.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

P.S. Frank's Friend Money Tracker Total:

$8.41
Congratulation
and Thank You.

Rain

2005-09-25T00:19:00.000-05:00

So, it's going to rain a lot here over the next few days. Higher elevations here in Alberta will see a lot of snow. And when I say a lot, I mean like 15 - 23 ... FEET! I know. That's a lot.

Anyway, what's your opinions on smileys? I think they are very stupid [:-|], but I can't help from using them [:-)]. Does anyone else have this problem? I've got this obsession with this one smiley with a crooked mouth[:-/]. However, I can not stand them at all. I see someone using a smiley [:-)]... a graphical one or a plain old text one and I just want to yell [:-O]. And then I see people kissing with smileys [;-*] winking with smileys [;-)] and even showing off their boobs [ (_|_) ] (also could be their butt) and I just get mad. ;-|

Anyway, I just thought I'd share. I think everyone who reads my journal is freaking awesome.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

P.S. Money Tracker for Frank's Friend:

$4.75
Congratulations!
and Thank You.

Wow!

2005-09-23T09:53:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, it reached like 100 degrees here in Alberta! Today? -100. It's crazy how quickly the weather here changes. But you know what I am tired of that saying.

Today someone said to me, "Well, you know what they say... If you don't like the weather in Alberta just wait 5 minutes and it'll be different." I said to them, "No one says that."

Seriously, no one does. Everyone always says, "You know what they say..." and then say the stupid line. So there isn't actually anyone saying it... everyone is saying 'what others say'. It's like a vicious loop with no beginning.

In all honesty, I wish people would just stop saying that completely. I'm personally really freaking tired of it. It's not so much that it's not true... it's that it's true everywhere or at least everyone says that everyone says it is that way. Seriously, I have lived and visited a lot of places and everywhere I go, whether it is Alberta, Australia, Iowa, Florida, New York, Shanghai, Bangkok (ouch), Pasadena, Mexico City, Saskatchawan (or however you spell it), San Antonio, Jerusalem, St. Petersburg, Estonia, Jakarta, etc etc. They all say that about their place of residence and I'm freaking tired of it. It's true everywhere, so please stop acting like your the hippest cause your weather might change every five minutes.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

P.S. A new feature of The Life. Every post, you'll get to know how much money you raised for my friend by clicking on the ads. Since we've started keeping track, you've raised:

$0.58
Thanks and congratulations!

2005-09-21T22:50:00.000-05:00

I'm trying something new. Perahps this won't work, but we'll see. I have a friend who is a meteorologist in a small city and he doesn't make the billions of dollars I do here in Canada. (However, a billion in Canada, is like a million in the states... or something like that.) So, I was like, ya... I can help him out. I can sponsor Frank U. McBoob: The Life. Then I will give all the proceeds to him.

I called him and told him the news.

"Hey Friend.." I said.
"Hey Frank." He said.
"I thought of a f'ing brilliant idea."
"What??!?! What!"
"It's called Sponsored Frank."
"What does that mean? Is it one of your crazy ideas where you buy a package of hot dogs and write ads on them with a sharpie and try to sell them on the street corner?"
"No.... but you have to admit... that was a good idea."
"No... it wasn't."
"No Sponsored Frank has nothing to do with hot dogs."
"Oh... Are you going to sell your forehead to that internet casino to get a tatoo on it?"
"No. It has nothing to do with my forehead."
"Your butt?"
"Err... No."
"Chest?"
"No. Wait wait wait..."
"What?"
"Sponsored Frank. I will sponsor my blog and then give you all the money it makes."
"Really? You'd do that for me?"
"HELL YA!"
"Yippee" he said.

And there you have it. So, I plead with you to click on all the links when you come to The Life... because my friend needs the money. He doesn't even have cable he's so poor...

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Cleaing

2005-09-21T10:25:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I clean so much, that I strip the paint off all of my walls from all of my hard scrubbing. It really makes me mad when that happens, because then I have to paint everything again.

This happens about once every two days.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Driving

2005-09-20T00:03:00.000-05:00

I went on a roadtrip these past couple of days. I drove all over the state of Alberta in Canada... (Again, much prefer the word STATE versus province, because I'm not sure I can spell the p word right.)

It was pretty boring in spots, so I would daydream. One of my dreams involved me, a chicken, barbed wire, a highligher, propane, and a cell phone. That's all I can really say about it.

Do you ever play games while you're road-tripping? I do, sometimes I see home many times I can actually fall down without skinning my knee. I must say, tripping on the road and playing this game is much easier when in jeans. Jeans are great at protecting your knees when road-tripping. I once had a really bad trip that involved me jumping out a building thinking I could fly. I couldn't.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Working Out

2005-09-17T10:39:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I started lifting weights. I'm pretty weak right now, so I couldn't lift very many weights at all. Basically I had two 5lbs weights and lifted those over and over again about 730 times in a row. I woke up this morning, walked into the bathroom, and looked in the mirror... horrified. I didn't have any arms. I'm not saying my arms were just really small and hanging there, but they weren't there at all. I ran back into my bedroom and looked in my bed... and holy canoli! My arms had fallen off in the middle of the night. I called 911 (or the Canadian version of 911... which is 119... everything is backwards in Canadia.) They rushed here as quick as they could and asked me what had happened. I told them. And they slapped their hands on their heads. "Idiot!" they yelled, "Never do 730 weight lifts in a row with 5lbs weights... it's a recipe for disaster!" "Oh" I said meekly, standing there in my bedroom with no arms and three EMS guys. They all stood there shaking their heads. "Well, aren't you going to do something?" I asked. "Yes.... Yes we are." and they picked up my arms and slapped them back on my body. The arms stuck. And now I'm completely back to normal, thank goodness.

In the end, this story was a completely fabrication.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Never the Winner... Never the Loser...

2005-09-16T10:34:00.000-05:00

I've got the great ability of never actually winning anything, but never losing anything either. You may be confused about what I'm saying. Here's an example, I play on a Canadian Football team (really strange, field is a different size and the cheerleaders are all fat and ugly). Anyway, my team has played 10 games. Our record? 0-0-10. We've tied 10 times. It's always like this. I played the lottery the other day and I got just enough numbers right to get another free ticket, but not any money. DIdn't win... Didn't lose. I just sat in my bobsled and stared at the ticket... then I held it up in the air and let out a blood-curdling scream at the top of my lungs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Sure, it wasn't manly screaming, but it got the point across.)

And what do you say about playing one-on-one with someone? Well, I played air hockey with a guy last night and even before either of us could score a point, we both hit the plastic puck and it exploded. End game.

This has been happening to me since I was a little kid. I was found a hundred dollar bill, but then I sneezed on it and got stuff on it from when you sneeze and I showed it to Mama McBoob... she took it away and said it was unsanitary. The next day, she had new earings.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Another Day In the Book

2005-09-15T12:06:00.000-05:00

Last night on TV, I told everyone to expect the greatest weather in the world here in Alberta. I mean, temperatures in the 70s, a lot of sun, low humidity, and a light southerly breeze. All in all, things were going to be amazing. In fact, I even signed a contract with everyone in the viewing area, if today wasn't one of the 10 nicest days of the year, I'd do 30 backflips in a row.

Well, when is the last time a meteorologist was right? At noon, it's only 65 degrees. There are a ton of clouds, and it's just a tad bit chilly outside. All in all, today is NOT a top 10 day. So what am I supposed to do?

Well, I went out and I started downtown on fire. It will heat everything up. The smoke will cover the sky so I can be like "Well, too bad that fire was started downtown and the skies were all obstructed, because behind that thick viel of smoke lies crystal clear blue skies." It's a perfect plan... and hell no one will be concerned with the nice weather, because everyone is out fighting the fire. It's great! The best plan I have ever had.

Burn Alberta Burn!

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

Nice Weather

2005-09-14T09:51:00.000-05:00

I mentioned yesterday that it was freaking freezing here in Alberta. To the point that I slipped on some ice in August. Well, over the course of the past week, things got pretty toasty and humid. In fact, one day I ran from my limo to my house and in the short distance I looked like a wet hippo. However, I'm not as fat as a hippo... I was just wet. I'm actually a really skinny guy... so perhaps the wet hippo analogy doesn't work... hmm. Ok. A wet giraffe. I dooo have a long neck, so this works out better.

Anyway, I don't know if you've ever been to Alberta before, but not many people up here have air conditioners. In fact, no one does. So, with the temperature seeming to push toward the 1000 degree mark, it wasn't very nice in any building. Not only that though, but just like me, people were sweating (and not even to the oldies, they were just sweating). So, everything really smelled bad too. Like BO. And when they sweated at home... well, that was HBO.

It's also difficult to sleep. I didn't get one wink of shut eye... so instead of winking when I fall asleep, I just kept my eyes closed the entire time. That works much better. I still didn't sleep well though.

In the end, the weather here in Alberta is a lot cooler now. Thank goodness... if I had to look like a drenched long necked mammal one more time, I'd vomit.

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

I'm Back.

2005-09-13T23:51:00.000-05:00

Dear World.

I am back and I am better than ever. I have moved my address from LiveJournal to Blogspot. It's now easier to find me than ever before. If you are in the middle of nowhere and can't find your bookmark... have no fear. Just type frankumcboob.blogspot.com and presto you are here. Also, notice my middle initial is in the address. My name is Frank Usa McBoob. Sometimes my friends say "Usa Mcboob". and I'm like "I KNOW I AM!!"

Anyway... a lot has been going on lately. I hope I can keep you up to date a little better than I have in the past.

I have moved... which is one of the reasons I haven't really been around. I'm now living in Alberta Canada. The United States was just too hip for me. Now that I'm in Alberta, I feel more at home. You know, the Canadians aren't as hip, so now I'm the hippest of them all.

I still do weather... but now I'm doing the weather in this great town and being paid even more than I was in the past. Surprising I know... I was a millionaire. I'm close to a billionaire now.

Anyway, yesterday I was walking and I slipped on some ice. And I was like "ICE?!?! IT's FREAKING AUGUST!!!" (I know it is september now, but when this happened it was August, so don't judge me.) Anyway, slipping on ice is just one of the occupational hazards that I have when living in the tundra.

Anyway, I'll let you go. And by the way... I need constant feedback from people. Frank U. McBoob lives off of feedback as I need to know people love or hate me. So, whether you love or hate me, please send frankumcboob.blogspot.com to all your friends and tell them to post. If you don't... I'll eat your left ear. (Left ears taste better than the right ones.)

Sincerely,
Frank U. McBoob

P.S. Kidding about that whole eating your left ear thing... what do you think I am? A canadian? Or is that supposed to be cannibal? eh... same thing.